June 8 – Quirks

Written on June 8, 2009 by emily

I nearly went to bed (early) without writing. Tisk tisk. But here I am…with some last minute thoughts on the day. I have to giggle about my children’s quirky behaviors. Obviously they have slightly odd parents, or they wouldn’t be so weird themselves, but they just make me laugh. I’d like to share a few oddities with you.

We cannot back our car into our parking garage unless all persons traveling on the passenger side of the car exit the vehicle. This was inconvenient and annoying at first, but since we’ve been here for 3 years, we have adjusted and it is just part of the routine. Our daughter sits in the rear-passenger seat, and I’m usually in the front-passenger seat if we’ve all gone somewhere together. When she and I get out so daddy can park, she finds her way to the front of the car, where the headlights are shining, and does a ballerina dance (or sometimes a funky hip hop dance) so that daddy will flicker the headlights at her. If he doesn’t flicker the headlights, she is quite disappointed, but dances harder. It’s really funny to watch. In other dancing, she has what she calls her ‘trick’ which consists of falling to her hands and knees on the floor and sticking up one leg behind her as high as she can get it. Some trick!

As for the son’s oddities…I have never heard a one year old cackle with ridiculous energy like him. He will throw his head back and let out the most over-the-top cackle-laugh you’ve ever heard. Over and over. If he were a bit older and of more eccentric dress, I might actually be more afraid than tickled. He is a very loving child, but also very…um…clumsy? I’m not sure exactly which word I mean to use. Anyway, his cuddling regularly includes lovingly (but not gently) knocking his head against mine. Unfortunately, he’ll really knock it against whatever he gets closest to, and I am not always aware of what is coming. My poor nose isn’t broken yet, but I’m seriously concerned it might be soon.

Together, they make a delightful pair. I love watching how they play together, even if some of the play does include some injustice from time to time. The younger is now learning how to hold his own against the older, so she can’t always get away with swiping toys or pushing him away from an activity they should both be able to do. I’ll be interested to see what the dynamic is like when he passes her up in size…that day is coming sooner than she thinks!

3 Comments | Emily

June 7 – Hunger

Written on June 7, 2009 by emily

It’s safe to say I don’t know hunger the way many people in the world know it. I don’t think my belly has been empty for a full day in my whole life. I know I am blessed, and I know that there are millions of children and adults around the globe who don’t know where their next meal is coming from. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the need, and sometimes I am sadly tuned into other things and the world’s hunger is far from my mind.

I bring up hunger today, because although my hunger can in no way be compared to hunger elsewhere, I’ve had a small experience of the desperation that comes when you simply must consume food. I’ve been experiencing this more often this pregnancy–probably because I am often pre-occupied with other tasks and the needs of my two active toddlers that I do not eat at regular times or in regular portions. Sometimes its just a bite, and sometimes its not the most sensible combination of foods. Lately, I have been getting in a good breakfast, which has not been one of my habits in the past, so that’s a great victory. But today, it was nearly 2pm before I was able to get lunch, and even though I hadn’t previously felt very hungry, I had a moment where I might have eaten my own arm if there had been nothing else to eat. Ok, thats gross. I didn’t really mean that. But I did get to a point of hunger that my ‘nice mommy’ face turned off, and I could not function until I filled the hunger. Although I don’t feel one bit of guilt for needing to eat, I do hope to not get to that point again anytime soon. It’s like a went into a dark tunnel and couldn’t breathe easily. I needed food.

All things are now fine, as a Sesame Chicken Salad makes its way through my digestive system, but I’m left thinking about how I rarely pursue Jesus with this same hunger or desperation. I often seem so content with a nibble here and a smidgen there. But I can tell you that I have not applied myself much to really nourishing my soul with Scripture. In recent years, I have learned how my creative self connects with God, which is a great step forward, but I haven’t put the whole puzzle together, and I think that is why I still struggle often with some of the inner frustrations I do. I can’t do Scripture out of duty. It doesn’t stick and the habit doesn’t last. But I do wish to read and understand Scripture out of hunger…because I really do understand what it adds to my life when I make it a priority.

1 Comment | Emily

June 6 – Revelations

Written on June 6, 2009 by emily

This may be a bit scattered, but here we go. We often make our own limitations. The boundary we stop at is not necessarily the boundary at which we are no longer capable of continuing to go farther, reach higher, or engaging deeper in the challenges of life. Today it became very clear to me that I can do more than I think I can when I put my mind to it. I’m not saying that it is always wise to push the boundaries, but I do think it is wise to know where the boundaries really are–even if you don’t choose to press forward.

Today, I went on a hiking adventure with my family. It began as a nice and comfortable walk down a wide and well-traveled path. When we reached the end of the paved portion, it seemed like there was no where to go but right back where we came from. I hadn’t seen the little tiny trail leading up the hill and into the wild…probably because it was a steep and straight-up trail that I would have never attempted in any other circumstance. We were with our two kids, ages 1 and nearly 3, and another friend with his toddler. I looked up at that hill and down at our little people and thought. Huh. Yeah. Don’t think so. But the one year old was in the backpack on daddy’s back, and the toddlers were itching for something new to explore, so against my usual mommy fun-squashing, I consented. For the first few minutes, I was seriously concerned about how we might get down again. The trail was there, but it was steep, winding, and quite overgrown. None of us knew what was ahead, and all I could think about was, “Are we crazy?” Maybe. But sometimes it takes a little crazy to get to the good stuff. We hiked up and up and up. The kids seemed to be enjoying themselves, and I was comforted by the fact that at least there was no way to deviate from the trail. There was no edge to fall down or forks in the trail to get lost on. Of course, we all stayed rather close together, but those who know me know that if I cannot see my children with my own two eyes–in a semi-confined space–I can be easily overwhelmed and stressed about their safety. Once we passed the perilous beginning, it was not so bad. The trail widened out a little toward the top, and became less of a tunnel, and more of a nice place to stroll. There were lots of different plants and we saw some little desert lizards here and there. The purpose of our hike was to take some nature pictures for an upcoming project, so we also had some additional gear to carry and I stopped and snapped photos from time to time.

Since we didn’t know where we were going, or where the trail would lead, any time we got to a fork in the trail, we had some decisions to make. Of course, my ever thoughtful husband wanted to be sure I was feeling ok, and often asked me if I wanted to turn back. I felt surprisingly good about a half an hour into our adventure, and I really did not want to go back down that hill we first came up. So on we went. The farther we trekked, the more interesting the scenery grew, and as we traveled down through a ravine, under overhanging trees and brush, we saw all kinds of neat things. The kids were tickled to be out, and my daughter started collecting little blossoms of different varieties. Fortunately for us, there were not many bugs, but there were clumps of yellow flowers that attracted a healthy number of bees. Sadly, my daughter was (barely) stung by one, and is now terrified of bees…and little yellow flowers too. The rest of the journey was a bit emotional for her, as the yellow flowers couldn’t be avoided, and we had no where to go but forward. Ironically, I have never been stung by a bee in my life, and here she is at nearly three with her first experience. Our hike continued on for a long time…two hours in total, through pleasant parts and more perilous parts. We just had to take it slow. Looking back, I can’t believe how far we hiked with 3 little children and my 5 months pregnant belly. Other than the bee drama, there were no other troubles, and we made it back to our car at last.

I haven’t hiked like that in more than 10 years, and obviously not in such a sensitive phase of life. I learned several things today. I am sensitive, but I am not fragile. I may be pregnant, but I am capable of more than I think I am. Sometimes making an uncomfortable choice leads to unexpected goodness. Staying in a safe space is good, and definitely advisable at times, but might also cause you to miss out on a great adventure. I also learned that territory is only conquered when you’re advancing. I think I’ll have to think on that for a while.

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June 5 – Nothings

Written on June 5, 2009 by emily

I can’t seem to focus enough to write something especially meaningful, so here is a collection of nothings for your amusement.

1. Sleep confuses me. I’ve slept 10 hours for three straight nights and I’m still yawning at 4 in the afternoon.

2. We get a newspaper every day of the week. It is delivered to our door. We had good intentions of using the coupons that come each week, but so far they’ve only been used for art projects…as a table drape for painting. I think I’ve read one article in it over the past 3 months.

3. Little people like to destroy things. They had a stack of kid playing cards that are now in more pieces than I care to count. Nothing like paper pieces in every corner to make your house feel trashy. I can deal with toys everywhere, but paper pieces push my buttons.

4. It’s Friday. I like Fridays.

5. I think maybe if I ate a cookie, I’d be able to think a bit clearer. This spacing out really isn’t getting me far.

6. It’s becoming clearer to me that days do not always need to be purpose and meaning and searching and longing and aching and thinking and duty and progress and…

7. Not that any of those things are bad. I just don’t seem to gravitate toward resting and breathing and smiling and laughing and sitting and stillness.

8. Vacuuming has become my favorite task. With all the crumbs and paper pieces on the floor, it is incredibly satisfying to see the difference between a pre-vacuumed floor and a vacuumed one.

9. If only two problems in my life could be resolved without my toil, I’d like to have a suitable vehicle for 3 car-seats come fall and for my kitchen chairs to no longer be in multiple pieces. I guess thats a little prayer.

10. I once helped a friend thoroughly clean out a church toilet bowl so he could give himself a swirly on camera for a youth group video. I’d have to say thats one of the weirder things I’ve done in my life.

Hopefully I will have something a little more meaningful tomorrow!

1 Comment | Emily

June 4 – To my second son

Written on June 4, 2009 by emily

How to begin, Little One?  There’s much that I could say, but I must remind myself. We have time. We have the weeks ahead that its still just you and me, while your little body grows stronger and you prepare to join the Allen party. And after that, I imagine we’ll have some years of cuddles and fun before you realize that its just not cool to be lovey with your mama. And after that, although you’ll be growing into a man–into a space and calling that I will never fully understand, I’m sure we’ll have a special relationship that speaks of love and trust, even if it isn’t kisses and cuddles like in your early years.

All day I’ve been bursting with excitement to learn more about you. We made a visit to the hospital for an ultrasound and learned all kinds of new things about you. You are quite the acrobat, you have all your limbs, and as of now, they think you weigh about 13 ounces. That really blows my mind. Seeing you so active and then thinking about just how tiny you still are. We got to see your big heart beat–and I say big, because I believe you will be a big-hearted guy just like your pops…and the fact that your heart seems to fill a full quarter of your body.

I have certain satisfaction about being the mother of one girl and two boys. You are an important part of a big story, and I don’t know if you’ll ever know just how special you are. God’s plans for you surpass even my own dreams for you. Your name is sentimental and significant for many reasons, but for now, I’ll just stick with what the general meaning is.

Elias means “God is My Salvation” and I believe you will one day understand and know what this means for yourself. Bradley means “From the broad meadow” and in another place, I learned that it also means “Freedom”. So Elias Bradley, I am filled to the brim with joy at your coming. You are loved, and there are four people in our family who are anxious to meet you. Stay safe and we will soon have you in arms.

3 Comments | Emily

June 3 – Jesus

Written on June 3, 2009 by emily

Sometimes I forget that You are my truest and best friend. I forget that You are my only Audience, and You are the only one I need. When I look for what I think I need in other places, I don’t usually find it. I find myself disappointed, though its no one’s fault but mine. I guess I’m slow to learn that I must go to You first. To You always. The small things are not small to You, even though some days I judge on Your behalf that they are too insignificant to submit. I’ll get it one day. You’re helping me understand the truth of Your heart for me by tending to the smallest of small things…the ones I never think to bring to You. You’re really terrific that way.

I feel kind of squashed today. Days like this come around periodically, and although there is nothing wrong in particular, I feel funky. All the words that make their way into my ears seem to pass through a filter and the only ones I hear are the discouraging ones. The stresses that swarm just outside my door start trying to wiggle in however they can, and I start to feel that panic of peace leaving me. I shall remind myself that You are peace, and You are not leaving, so peace can be here while I’m sorting out my silly stuff.

You’ve taught me to love in the most difficult times, and now I am struggling to choose love, openness, and authenticity in a time where there really is no major difficulty. If anything is difficult, it is accepting that there need not be a difficulty to love much and give without concern for what I receive back. Of course, as I’ve already mentioned, this would be a non-issue if I just went to You first, but as I’ve also already mentioned, I’m slow to learn. Thats why I’m here, writing ambiguously about the small cares of my heart.

I want to learn how to be a servant like You. You say You came not to be served, but to serve, and while I wholeheartedly respect Your position, I’m not sure I understand how to do it myself. I seem to be too concerned for what I need myself, and what would benefit me. So come now and wash out the goop, so I can be filled anew with a desire to serve no matter the reward, and confidence that You will never leave my honest needs unfulfilled.

2 Comments | Emily

June 2 – Fresh Air

Written on June 2, 2009 by emily

It’s good for you. It works wonders with rowdy children, and however familiar the park, always gets me thinking. We took a stroll down at a nearby park last night and let the girl take her bike along. It is always fun to see how excited she gets about pedaling her little princess bike around. I’m probably a bit biased, but I think its really awesome that she’s been an avid bike-rider (and a very skilled one too!) from age 2.5. Our son is not quite ready to ride a bike, but he is rather jealous that she gets to, and lets us know with his squawks and squeaks that he would like to be riding also. He is getting more adventurous by the day and I’m sure it won’t be long before he’s riding alongside her.

I like watching the other people at the park. Some couples, some groups. Not too many who are all by themselves…they usually at least have a dog with them. I see people light up when they see my kids, and it makes me smile to know that my little people bring other people joy. Mostly, I like getting out, feeling my lungs full of cool evening air (I wish I could say it was clean air, but this IS Los Angeles), and returning to our home space with new perspective.

All in all, I think we’re in a fresh season of life. Obviously we keep adding to our family with fresh new babies, and we’ve taken a turn for health that includes a lot more fresh foods than I’ve ever been known for eating. I’ve been gleaning fresh vision for what it looks like to be a housewife and mother who isn’t bitter about what I might be giving up to be home…what it looks like to be both dutiful and joyful, purposeful and delightful. I’ve always been a diligent sort, but joy still feels new to me and I don’t always know what to do with it. I guess thats why I spend so much time  dancing around it in my writing…exploration isn’t a straight shot. Its a wandering, winding road. I’m fine with that for now, because I think its worth the discoveries I’m making.

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June 1 – Beginnings

Written on June 1, 2009 by emily

It is interesting to think about how things begin. Of course, I am thinking about how I’m beginning this month-long challenge to write every day. I am also thinking about how there are very few things I do every single day that are something beyond basic care and necessities. Obviously, I change diapers every day. I breathe, eat, and chase my children. I do what needs to be done in the practical sense, but I also see that what is practical is not always the highest priority. If every person I knew was entirely practical 100% of the time, I think life would be very boring indeed. I esteem the practical, but I think creativity would suffer much if practical domineered the earth.

When I think about beginnings, I think about what happened before the beginning began. Some beginnings are born from plans. Some are born from spontaneity. Some are well-defined by time or other means, and some are not. I can think of many defining times in my life that something important began, but not all of them started in a single moment. Most of them started in a series of moments that picked up momentum and before I realized it, I was in a whole new environment.

Because of the momentum of my recent years, I’m beginning to see my life very differently. I say beginning because I’m fairly certain I’ve seen only a thimble-sized tip of the iceberg regarding these new discoveries. The grip of my past and my insecurities seem to make this process go slower than I’d like, but I’m believing that the time and space it takes me to really understand is time and space that is necessary and fruitful. Sometimes we can only handle God’s wisdom in tiny doses–for His wisdom certainly much greater than our understanding could ever be.

Back to the iceberg, I think it is called freedom. Not freedom like we understand in this country, but freedom that descends from heaven and gives life to our brokenness. Freedom that needs no pride or selfishness to flourish. Freedom that produces love, hope, patience, and perseverance. Freedom we can only find when we draw near to the eye of the needle through which we must travel if we wish to see the kingdom of God. Freedom that does not depend on money or economic success. Freedom that has nothing to do with doing anything you wish to do. I have sensed this iceberg and its importance for several years as God has been steadily healing all the most tender wounds of my heart and I’ve surrendered each piece to Him. What I am just now discovering is just how beautiful this freedom is in the context of my practical life.

I am a mother and a married woman. There are commitments I have made and responsibilities that I cannot push aside. I see that with every day that comes, there are tasks that can be either burdens or joys, and there is the opportunity to spend myself accomplishing a self-made agenda or a God-made agenda. I see that I really can do things my own way if I wish, but there is a better way than my way…a way that tips over the bowls of abundance in heaven so they pour straight down into my home. So as I begin to see it more clearly, I pray for this same kind of beginning to happen to you. That you would come to know freedom from your worries, your addictions and pains, from your past and your present troubles….from your self and your own plans. Freedom is so much more than we’ve imagined it to be, and only One person can lead us to it.

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Writing Challenge

Written on May 31, 2009 by emily

I think I’m going to put myself up for a challenge….I’ve been needing to dig in just a little more to my writing–now that it seems to be freely flowing and the ideas are piling up. So, I hereby set aside the month of June to write once a day about everything and nothing…when I’m inspired and when I’m not…when I have time and when I don’t. This should be fun. It would be helpful for me and my writing momentum to receive your comments and/or questions that might further spur me on, as I’m not sure I can do this–but I’m going to try. So readers, hold on to your hats. We’ll start in tomorrow with the first June installment.

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New Life

Written on May 28, 2009 by emily

I haven’t seen your face yet, unless you count the fuzzy ultrasound photo we first took at 14 weeks. I haven’t felt your fingers wrap around mine, and I haven’t felt your breath on my neck as you sleep, but I know a little about you already. I know approximately how big you are any given week, thanks to a book that tells me about all of your developmental milestones. I know that in 5 short months, you have matured enough to communicate to me in the smallest ways. Just a few days ago, I pressed on you with my fingers and you pressed back. You said, “I’m here, and I’m alive. I am looking forward to seeing your face as much as you’re looking forward to seeing mine.” “All in good time,” I said. Sometimes I feel like I can’t wait that long, but the truth is, I can, and the longer I wait, the longer you have to get your best start at life. I won’t always be perfect, but it is my heart to give you a healthy start, a happy home, and a hearty dose of love each day. I’ve heard thats how babies grow best.

When I worry that something might be wrong, as pregnancy can be a very delicate time you know, you give me a nudge as if to say, “Everything is just fine, mama. Don’t worry. Trust Jesus. I’m safe and I’ll see you soon.” So I will trust. Fretfulness is an easy pattern to fall into, but it really doesn’t help either of us, so I’ll try to refrain from it.

I don’t yet know if you are boy or girl, but I know you’re special. Your big sister tells me she thinks you are either a horse or a house…I’m not sure why she thinks that, or how either of those would fit in the bump where you live, but she’s imaginative and delighful. I think you’ll love her. Your big brother doesn’t really know you’re coming yet, but when the two of you get a little older, I imagine you’ll be great friends.  I feel like it was only yesterday that he was the little person in my womb, having these same conversations with me. Now, as you’ll see when you arrive home, he is much too big for that space. And your daddy? You won’t find any other daddy who is more wonderful than he is. He loves you even now, as do I. One week from now, we’ll know your name…well, I guess I should say, one week from now we will know whether you are boy or girl….and we’ve already chosen some names that I think you’ll be pleased with. Only one will fit, since you can’t be both boy AND girl.

So dear one, until I can call you by your name, I will tell you that though you are yet faceless and nameless in our world, I believe your face and name are known by God, and He has great plans for you.

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