18

Written on September 27, 2010 by emily

I had great plans to inspire you with my new routines and organization plans for our household, but in the midst of my productive start to this week, I’ve been momentarily benched. Fortunately, most of what I needed to get done today is done, but I had plans for more until my heart sank down to the pit of my stomach. The circumstances are not important, but I’m writing now in hopes of surrendering my fears and finding God’s peace in them. I’ve had this feeling several times as a mother (although this time the situation is more business-related). It feels something like being hit by a truck (not that I’ve ever been hit by a truck) and being caught between feeling seriously responsible for a situation/event and not being in a position to change it. Kind of like when your child is sick, and you’re doing everything you can, but you still can’t make them instantly well, but you feel sick that they are sick, and you wish you were sick instead. It feels like barbs wedged into your flesh, tearing at you and taunting you at the same time. Why do I feel like crawling into a hole?

Because I am like Peter…looking at the water tossing instead of at Jesus who is calling me forth. So I think I’ll just hold my open bible up under my nose so I can’t see the waves and I can just look straight ahead. Jesus can. And Jesus will. Rescue me that is. Will I let Him?

No Comments | Daily Thoughts

17

Written on September 25, 2010 by emily

The rest of my body might be on the squishy side, but one muscle I exercise more than most is my heart muscle. I’d venture to say it’s the strongest muscle I’ve got. I see most of life through the lens of my heart, which fortunately is being conformed to the heart of Christ more and more all the time. I’m learning to worry less and surrender more. I’m learning to try less and trust more. Shedding my fears and learning how to respond to God’s call on my life with confidence and without trying to cram it into a more comfortable mold. Differentness is a challenge for most people, which is ironic considering our culture teaches us that coolness is measured by how individual we are. From a young age, I think we feel conflicted because we want to belong to a group, but we also want to stand out from the crowd. We don’t want someone to tell us who we are, but then again, we really do, because if someone just tells us who we are, we don’t have to go through the scary process of discovering it for ourselves and leave the safety of the throngs of people who are ‘just like us’. That process involves facing fears and demons, standing naked before God with all our faults and sins, and receiving from Him the crown He wants to put on our heads after we’ve been washed clean. How many people do you know want to wear a crown on their head everywhere they go, sparkling and shining for all to see? I know a four-year-old who would wear even a bedazzled plastic crown anywhere, but I don’t think I know anyone over the age of 8 who would. Maybe that’s one reason Jesus loves children…they’re not afraid to shine like He made them to shine.

Differentness brings tension because we often refuse to take hold of it, but our uniqueness isn’t something we get to decide for ourselves. Like snowflakes, no two of us are alike and we aren’t the ones who decide who we are. Surely, we decide what we do and who we serve, but the inner person…there is only one Potter and we are the work of His hands. How silly of us to fight Him. How silly to get caught in the cycle of the need to fit in or the need to stand out. We’re supposed to become bondservants of the One who has ransomed our hearts, serving Him willingly and letting Him tell us at every turn, who we are and what we should be doing, not wasting our energy advancing ourselves or hiding in the shadows. Giving Him control means giving up ours. Simple, but challenging for those who want to get to their destination by trying harder, manipulating circumstances for their advantage (not necessarily in a specifically evil way, but still selfish), whining about their situation, and living in false humility. I am not humble, but I am learning to accept that more of Him means less of me.

More of Him means I will shine brighter than my sinful self is comfortable with because I can no longer hide in the shadows. More of Him means following His lead even when there are many other trails that beckon to me. More of Him means becoming content, and even joyful in the simplicity of my life and the dependence I have on Him. More of Him means loving the people who are not anything like me. More of Him means charging into battle without fear and with the biggest sword around (His). More of Him means vulnerability, selflessness, joyfulness, and steady confidence in Him.

Less of me means loving my heart for the weirdly over-sized muscle that it is, and letting it beat fast and hard with compassion like it does. Less of me means letting Him take my fears and turn them into fuel for worship and radical obedience. Less of me means recognizing that my differentness is a blessing, and that I don’t need to justify or apologize for who I am or find affirmation from others. The others aren’t going to understand completely anyway…they’re different too.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. They recognize that God is compassionate. He mends the broken and lifts up their heads.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. They recognize that God is steadfast. In the midst of change, He is the unchanging and loving God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Blessed are the gentle for they shall inherit the earth. They recognize that God is able. They have no need to jostle for position or fame because they understand that God is the One who gives blessing, and He gives it richly.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. They recognize that God is enough. There is nothing else that will satisfy the longing of the human heart beside the wholeness of a Holy God.

Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy. They recognize that God is kind. They ask for relief and they find it in Him.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. They recognize that God is creative. They see His work and hear His voice in the most unlikely places.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. They recognize that God is tenacious. He is continually seeing reconciliation with those who have strayed from Him.

Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. They recognize that God is both patient and just. He will make all things right and bring all sin to justice.

My prayer is to be compassionate, steadfast, willing, satisfied, kind, creative, tenacious, patient, and just, just like Him. More of Him, every day.

No Comments | Daily Thoughts, Devotionals

16

Written on September 23, 2010 by emily

Even an ugly skirt or dress is better than pants. Every single chance she gets, she’ll leave her jeans in a pile on the floor so she can wear a pretty princess dress…and any dress qualifies as a pretty princess dress. The favorite one is her black and white “polkey-dot” dress, as she calls it. We wash it as often as we can, but I’m sure it gets worn 3-5 times between washings. It makes no difference to her.

She’s got this wildly beautiful curly hair that matches her personality. A little spot on the back of her head is prone to a terrible scraggly tangle nest, but I think she finally understands why it must be brushed, so at least there is a bit less whining about it. Her eyes are huge and blue and kind, and she looks at me with innocent, knowing smiles in the (very brief) pauses between her chattering spells. She’s very perceptive and intrigued by the world around her. She asks lots of questions, but she also answers lots of them with her preschool wisdom and the perspective from which she sees.

“When the sign says ‘Man’, you can cross, but when the sign says ‘Hand’ that means you don’t cross,” she says to me. I love that she says things in ways that no one else in the world would.

She’s always been a very expressive child, and I have the pictures to prove her earliest facial expressions. As time has passed and she’s inched upward, the expressiveness seems to have grown as well, and you’d be hard pressed to find a sharper, more exuberant personality anywhere. It’s something I desperately want to protect for her, and yet I know that there is only so much I can do, and my job looks more like listening to God than putting up fence around fence around fence. Navigating through the seasons of life is not easy for a parent. I understand now. My prayer is that she will be silly and joyful her whole life, just like a child, and yet, will find the depth of God’s wisdom near to her heart.

Today I peeled, seeded and chopped up the first butternut squash we’ve ever purchased, and not even realizing she’d be interested, she stood beside me watching and asked, “Oh, can I feel it mama?” I let her feel it with her fingers and she giggled. I will cherish that funny little moment forever.

She has a bright face and a beautiful big heart to go with it. One quirk is her love for her “babies”. Each of them has a name and each of them has a very special place in her heart: “Clifford” (pronounced Clevver by her) the big black dog (not red) that was a gift from Grandpa Brad, “Franklin” the dog Elias ‘gave’ her when he was born in the hospital, “Gigi” a no-longer-white dog that came as a gift from friends for her 3rd birthday, “Baby Puppy” a little tiny dog that must be with us at all times, and “Bunny Girl” who has been her favorite from the beginning. Bunny Girl is so much the favorite that she no longer has a nose on account of Alaina getting her teeth caught in the nose-threads and mama needing to remove the nose for her safety. I love the way she loves her babies. They’re a part of her, and she is quite the little mama. I love how she deals with them tenderly but firmly, and it’s one clue for me that despite my shortcomings, I’m passing some good things on to her.

She tells me we need to have 5 kids in our family. I agree with her, but explain that we have to pray and ask God about that. Every night when I put her and Judah to sleep, I ask them if they want me to pray for them. I like asking, because I like them knowing that they have a choice to accept and participate or not. If they say no (which doesn’t happen often), I still pray, but just to myself, not out loud. Mostly though, I pray aloud, with my hand cupped over one or both of their cheeks and my face close to theirs. Both of them think that part of praying is cupping someone’s face in their hands. I totally love it. When I’m sad, Alaina will sit on my lap facing me and cup my face in her hands as if to tell me she’s praying for me. I love that there is already a knowing in her heart that we should always ask God for help if something is wrong. I dream of the things I wish for her in her life, and I pray for each one. I don’t make ‘little-kid’ prayers for her when I pray, because I don’t mind that she doesn’t understand most of what I’m asking God for on her behalf. She doesn’t mind not knowing either, for the most part, but when she asks me, “What is it mean that Jesus hides His word in my heart,” I take great pleasure in explaining that to her the best way I can. I also love that when I pray for Judah to be a man of integrity and purity that he responds with a loud, gravelly, and exuberant “AMEN!” In fact, that is his response whenever I pray for him, and it tickles me so. Neither of them will let me leave their room until I’ve prayed, which I love also. Accountability at its finest.

I guess I’m feeling a little mommy-sadness as I’m watching my little baby girl sprouting into a strong and capable child-person. I hold her in my arms and hold back tears knowing that soon she won’t fit there the same way, nor will she want to be so near to me. She wants to run, and dance, and fly. And I want her to also. But I also pray that Jesus saves a special room in heaven for me to go to and relive all these precious and tender moments that I can’t seem to capture and keep in the ways I’d want to.

No Comments | Daily Thoughts, Family

15

Written on September 23, 2010 by emily

Devotional thoughts/prayers from Deuteronomy:

Deut. 4:1. Now, O Israel, listen to the statutes and the judgements which I am teaching you to perform, in order that you may live and go in and take possession of the land which the Lord, the God of your fathers, is giving you.

- Give me a wise and discerning heart that mines for Your truth, hears the words of Your instruction, and guides me toward choices that honor You fully and bring about Your greatest blessings. Show me what You have for me. Open my heart so that I do not reject whatever You give, for Your gifts are always good, even if they’re not always easy. Help me to be diligent and faithful about hearing Your word and obeying it. Don’t let me neglect the land You have given me to keep in my hasty pursuit of my own desires. Show me the way of blessing and help me stick close to it.

Deut. 4:5-7 See, I have taught you statutes and judgements just as the Lord my God commanded me, that you should do thus in the land where you are entering to possess it. So keep them and do them  for that is your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the peoples who will hear all these statutes and say, ‘surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people.’ For what great nation is there that has a god so near to it as the Lord our God whenever we call on Him?

- Make me a wise and understanding person that lives by the way of the righteous. Let my life be a testimony of Your power, Your love, and Your interest in the lives of Your children.

Deut. 4:9 Only give heed to yourself and keep your soul diligently, so that you do not forget the things which your eyes have seen and they do not depart from your heart all the days of your life; but make them known to your sons and grandsons.

- I will do everything in my power to keep my soul diligently and not forget Your kindess to me, O God. I will teach my children of Your goodness and truth.

Deut. 4:10-13 Remember the day you stood before the Lord your God..You came near and stood at the foot of the mountain and the mountain burned with fire to the very heart of the heavens: darkness, cloud and thick gloom. The the Lord spoke to you from the midst of the fire; you heard the sound of words, but you saw no form–only a voice. So He declared to you His covenant which He commanded you to perform, the Ten Commandments.

- I came near to You with my brokenness and You spoke life and restoration to me. I did not see Your face, but somehow I know the kindness of Your eyes and the tenderness of Your voice. You have kept Your promises to me, O God, and I will keep my promises to You.

Deut. 4:23-24 Watch yourselves, that you do not forget the covenant of the Lord your God which He made with you, for the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.

- I will not forget. Keep consuming my heart with Your holy fire, and in Your perfect jealousy, set me and all my affections apart for only You.

Deut. 4:29-30 Seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have come upon you, in the latter days you will return to the Lord your God and listen to His voice.

- With all my heart I seek and search for You. In my distress, I do not fret, for I hear Your voice and I trust You.

Deut. 4:31 For the Lord your God is a compassionate God; He will not fail you nor destroy you nor forget the covenant with your fathers which He swore to them.

- I have seen Your compassion and I am convinced that there is no end to it for those who long for You.

Deut. 4:35-36 To you it was shown that you might now that the Lord, He is God; there is no other besides Him. Out of the heavens He let you hear His voice to discipline you; and on the earth He let you see His great fire, and you heard His words from the midst of the fire.

- There is no other besides You and no other like You. Discipline me and make right my ways, even when I feel weak. I know that in my weakness, Your work is perfected in me, and wholeness is upon me.

Deut. 4:37-38 Because He loved your fathers, therefore He chose their descendants after them. And He personally brought you from Egypt by His great power, driving out from before you nations greater and mightier than you, to bring you in and give you their land for an inheritance.

- I will live as one chosen, acknowledging that You are great, powerful, worthy, and kind. I will not give away nor squander the inheritance You have given, and I will multiply it for my children after me.

Deut. 4:39 Know therefore today, and take it to your heart, that the Lord, He is God in heaven above and on the earth below; there is no other. So you shall keep His statutes and His commandments which I am giving you today, that it may go well with you and with your children after you, and that you may live long in the land which the Lord your God is giving you for all time.

- I will keep Your commandments, O God, as perfectly as I am able, and for the ways in which I fail, I will lean on Your unending compassion.

Deut. 13:4 You shall follow the Lord your God and fear Him; and you shall keep His commandments, listen to His voice, serve Him and cling to Him.

- I will follow You wherever You lead me. Through the valley, through the dark of night, through the fire. I will not shrink back, and I will not close my ears, for Your words are life to me. I will continually spend myself on Your behalf and come near to You in times of trouble and times of abundance. You are my love.

Deut. 20:3-4 Do not be afraid, or panic, or tremble before your enemies, for the Lord your God is the One who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.

- I am not afraid. I know that You are all-knowing and all-powerful to fight for me and lift me up.

Deut. 26:16-19 This day the Lord your God commands you to do these statutes and ordinances. You shall therefore be careful to do them with all your heart and with all your soul. You have today declared the Lord to be your God, and that you would walk in His ways and keep His statutes, His commandments and His ordinances, and listen to His voice. The Lord has today declared you to be His people, a treasured possession, as He promised you, and that you should keep all His commandments; and that he Shall set you high above all nations which He has made, for praise, fame, and honor; and that you shall be a consecrated people to the Lord your God, as He has spoken.

- I smile to know that I am Your treasured possession. I will always be about Your praise, Your fame, Your honor, and Your delight. Let me be one who delights Your heart at every turn.

Deut. 281-12 Now it shall be, if you will diligently obey the Lord your God, being careful to do all His commandments which I command you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. All these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you if you obey the Lord your God: Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the country. Blessed shall be the offspring of your body, and the produce of your ground and the offspring of your beasts, the increase of your herd and the young of your flock. Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out. The Lord will cause your enemies who rise up against you to be defeated before you; they shall come out against you one way and shall flee before you seven ways. The Lord will command the blessing upon you in your barns and in all that you will put your hand to, and He will bless you in the land which the Lord your God gives you. The Lord will establish you as a holy people to Himself, as He swore to you, if you will keep the commandments of the Lord your God and walk in His ways. So all the peoples of the earth shall see that you are called by the name of the Lord, and they shall be afraid of you. The Lord will make you abound in prosperity, in the offspring of your body, and the produce of your ground…The Lord will open for you His good storehouse, the heavens, to give rain to your land in its season and to bless all the work of your hand.

- I am blessed because I am hidden in You and You are the source of all blessing. My children are blessed because they are Your own, and I will not stand in the way of Your plans to draw them close to Your heart, discipline them and teach them the way of truth, and rightfully respond to the unique call You have on each of their lives. Let Your abundant storehouse be open to me and my children, that we will forever be a people that fear You and bring You great joy.

Deut. 31:6 Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the One who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

————————————————————————————————

Listen to the instructions I give to you so that you may live to your fullest potential, and so that I may bless you with blessings that you cannot give to yourself by way of your own plans. I am the One who gives good gifts, and I alone choose whether to prosper a man or withhold My favor from him. My eyes search high and low for the hearts that are completely Mine, for My children who hear My voice and obey My commands. Give heed to yourself and keep your soul diligently, so that you do not forget the things which your eyes have seen and they do not depart from your heart all the days of your life. If you forget what I have done, you will also forget Me, and you will no longer teach your children My ways. My desire is to bless you, but if you are not near to Me, you will miss the blessing, for I, Myself, am your great reward.

No Comments | Devotionals, Scripture Collections

14

Written on September 21, 2010 by emily

Last weekend we drove down to Seaside, Oregon so I could shoot an engagement session for a couple whose wedding we have on the books next April. We stayed in a Shiloh Inn on the beach in a tiny little room that is meant for two people, and although our little people are little…there are still five of us. Anyway, after a few adventures, all the kids sleeping on the floor, swimming, and our efforts to get packed up to get home, my sweet Alaina exclaimed in very exuberant fashion, “Mama. This is the BEST camping trip I have ever seen!” I laughed.

She’s also been telling me lately that she’s going to marry Calvin (a new Seattle friend). I ask her questions about it.

Me: “What happens when you get married, Alaina?”

Alaina: “I wear a pretty dress and I will be Calvin’s wife and he will be my husband.”

Me: “Oh. When will you get married?”

Alaina: “Just a little bit after I turn 5 on my next birthday.”

Me: “Is that so? What happens after you get married? Do you still live at our house and Calvin lives at his house?”

Alaina: “No. We have our house. It’s pink. And we have 5 dogs and 5 kids and you can come and see them.”

Me: “Wow. That’s a lot of dogs and kids.”

Alaina: “Yeah. I like them so much. And then I will be the mama and I will sit in the mama seat in my pink minivan (the mama seat is the front passenger seat) and Calvin will sit in the daddy seat. We will go anywhere we want to.”

Me: “Do you think Calvin will be ok with driving a pink minivan?”

Alaina: “Yes.”

No Comments | Daily Thoughts

13

Written on September 20, 2010 by emily

Lots to catch up on, and I can’t promise it will be a smooth ride, but here we go!

I’m giving myself 20 minutes to write as much as I can, because if I don’t limit myself, I’ll sit and stare and pre-edit. Plus, in 20 minutes, I have to put some veggies in the oven, rouse my sons, cuddle ‘em and get around to serving dinner. Can’t be late on that.

I have a blue journal I keep to help me remember all that I need to get done. It is the home to my many lists (yes, I’m a list-maker, thanks dad!) but it is also home to the fleeting thoughts I want to remember but know that I won’t.

In response to some of yesterday’s message at church some notes & thoughts:

Emotion is not equal to devotion. You can be passionately passionate and horribly misdirected at the same time. I think this is a warning for me. Devotion is about focusing on the worth and wonder of God, not about making such a big splash with your outward expression of faith it that you actually have no focus on anything but yourself. Good word for me.

What does it look like to have a teachable spirit? How do you receive correction? Humbly and gracefully? I don’t usually, if I’m honest. My first response is, “thanks, but I don’t think that applies to me”. Nice and arrogant. I want a teachable spirit SO BAD. I know I’m somewhat teachable, but I also know I’m quick to bristle when I feel like someone sees my flaws and points them out, even if they’re doing it for my benefit.

To be vulnerable is to expose your heart to the point that you could be judged by someone, but trust that you won’t be (judged). Of course, we’re speaking of being vulnerable with a trustworthy friend, not just any old schmoe. I love this. I love vulnerability, and I hope to always have a willingness to be vulnerable.

There’s a big difference between a crowd and a community. A crowd is people sharing a common proximity. A community is people sharing a common purpose.

Why do we search for a new intellectual revelation of God when we are not applying the truth we already know to our lives?

No Comments | Daily Thoughts

12

Written on September 19, 2010 by admin

To my cherished and beloved friend,

I cannot ignore what you have shared with me tonight. I should be sleeping but I cannot sleep because my heart is grieved for you. I closed my eyes and said a prayer, but I did not find peace. I will say again, as you know of my heart for you, that I love you. My motive is love, my message is not my own, and at the risk of seeming insensitive to you, I must deliver the message without fail. What I have to share will not be easy to read, but your life depends on it. Truly. So please read with your heart open, your arms outstretched for the truth, and your eyes on Jesus alone.

You must put an end to the LIE that ending your own life would be best for everyone in your family. You have entertained these thoughts for some time and in doing so, have offended the Lord and have made a playground of your mind for all the demons of hell. You have opened the gate and invited in lie after lie instead of holding to the truth of the Holy God who bought you with His own blood, and brought you into His own family. I know your strength fails you, and you are weary from the constant fight for relief from your pain, your debt, your troubles, your fears, and your wounds, but you must not give up.

Who are you to decide for God when your time is done? Is He not the One who gave your first breath, and the One who will take your last from you at the time He has appointed? Is He not the One who found you, hopeless and broken, and gave you a new hope? Is He not the One who gave everything for you…His own life, and you to throw it back in His face with disrespect? Woe to you, woman. Do not kindle the anger of the Lord against yourself.

You believe ending your life would resolve all of your family’s problems, but that too is a LIE. You make many excuses in your mind (and out loud) reasoning why this is your best, or only, or most appealing option. What you don’t realize is that those reasons, every one of them, arrive with a return address from the pit of hell. Not one of those reasons are true. Each one is a deceitful ploy to entice you, draw you slowly in, to a place where you give the demonic forces in your vicinity permission to devour you.

But not only will they devour you, they will devour everything you love. They will claw at your precious innocent children, speaking the same lies to them that you have believed. If you give up your life in this manner, not only will they grow up without a mother to love and guide them, you will have taught your children:

1) That God is insignificant and that there is no reason to acknowledge Him or surrender their lives to His care. With your actions, you will have taught them that He is not sovereign, not trustworthy, not compassionate, and not kind. You will irreparably damage them in ways that cannot be seen on the outside, and they will pay a huge price for the choice you made to end your life.

2) That they (the children) were not reason enough for you to choose life, in spite of all your many hardships. They will blame themselves for your actions, and you cannot possibly know how great their pain would be…both from the loss of your spiritual covering and emotional guidance, but also from the gate you have left open to let hell inside their hearts in order to tear them to shreds.

3) That life is not a gift, and there is no reason to treat it as such. You will have taught them that there is no hope, and that giving up is a ‘noble’ choice, when it is not.

4) You will confuse their ability to recognize and take hold of the truth. You will have taught them that love is not stronger than death (when it truly is), that there is no difference between truth and lie (when there truly is), that there is no difference between God and the enemy (which there clearly is).

5) You will plant seeds of bitterness in their lives that will lead to poor choices and unimaginable pain, having cut their legs out from under them, and toppled their entire world all around them. The inheritance you give them will be that of rotting, decaying, putrid lies.

So I will boldly say, that ending your life will actually not solve ANY of their problems. It will create more problems that are bigger than your present problems, and you will have snuck out and left the mess to your two year old and four year old. Don’t be foolish or selfish. You may feel like it cannot get any worse than it is right now, but it can if you will not listen to the voice of your Shepherd.

You must no longer entertain thoughts of ending your life. You must put evil away from yourself and close the gate you’ve opened to hell. You must silence the lying tongues that are speaking into your ears, and you must humble yourself before God and seek His help. You must obey Him on His terms, not your own. You must choose every day to put yourself in His care, under His covering, and trust that He is willing and able to keep all that you commit to Him. He is worthy of your trust. Is there anything that is impossible for God? The answer is no. Nothing is impossible for Him.

You are responsible for what you choose and what you do. Run to the One who saves. Listen to His voice only. Do whatever He tells you and do not bargain with Him.

The truth: You are one of God’s own. All of heaven has rejoiced over your coming into God’s family, and all of heaven is fighting for you now. The enemy has no power over you except that which you give him, and you cannot give him any room to take the beauty of your blessings and deceive you into throwing them away like trash.

I love you and will continue to pray.

1 Comment | Letters

11

Written on September 9, 2010 by emily

I’ve been a singer my whole life, but I’m still searching for my creative voice. It’s in there…I know it is. And so are the stewing and burning things in my soul that always seem to be just out of my reach when I sit down to write. I am hugely successful at being productive with my time. No one could accuse me of wasting much of it at all. I’m glad for that because God has commanded me to be fruitful, and I’m doing just that. Where I’m still swimming in honey is that despite my best efforts, there is still always a thin layer…a sheer one…that covers over the truest places in my heart. I’m real, yes. I’m honest, yes. But I’m also in huge conflict about how much energy I put into sculpting my words. Even now I start to write something, get three words in, and start hitting the delete button before I even get a chance to finish my own thought. I’m driving myself crazy. Part of the problem is I have so much to say, so close to the surface, but when I sit down to write, I take on this whole new persona or something. I go from ‘at peace and deep in thought’ to ‘writing mode’. I rather dislike it.

Maybe I’m just silly, but I wish I could find some peace about this. Authenticity is so important to me, that even if my writing is 95% authentic…that still won’t do for me. I want to unearth the gems that are hidden, and I want to do so without clutching my shovel and looking around to see if anyone is watching to make sure I do it the ‘right’ way.

Just a vulnerable moment. Maybe you have those sometimes too.

No Comments | Daily Thoughts

10

Written on September 6, 2010 by emily

I’ve always been a bit frustrated by painting. I love painting in theory, but as a former perfectionist, painting is just a bit messier than I’ve been comfortable with. For a creative person, I’ve always had a streak of left-brainedness that doesn’t go with the creative flow of my right-half. The left has always been louder than the right and until recently, the right obeyed the defined-scripted-in-the-lines rules the left put forward in my creative voice. But painting poses problems for the left. It doesn’t fit in the lines. In fact, there are rarely lines at all. There is just a blank canvas staring back at you, begging for a story to be told on it. If you’re like me, you hesitate to put any colors on it at all for fear that you might pick the wrong colors or put colors in the wrong places. If you’re not like me, maybe you just haphazardly slosh buckets of paint onto your canvas, failing to think at all about what the result will be. I’ve learned one thing about art–authentic art is deliberate and crafted with a steady and skilled hand, and sloshing buckets is…foolish. If the canvas is your life and not a canvas on a frame, you might think about how you’re painting, and maybe more importantly, who is doing the painting.

I painted with my four year old today. Those who know how selfish I am about mess-making in my house should be cheering now. But really, it was fun, and not really the terrible mess I was expecting. The whole time, I sat there with a smile in my heart as I watched her add color thoughtfully and without fear of it not looking just perfect, because it was just perfect in the eyes of a child. I’m tired of limiting myself, or worse, limiting God because of my control issues. If I’m going to trust Him, it means setting aside the fears I hold and letting Him paint my story. I’m understanding more all the time that He has always known it would be a bit messy, and it is still worth it to Him to step in and make a masterpiece out of me. I’m just beginning to grasp the fullness of His love for me. Just beginning. It’s a beautiful thing.

No Comments | Daily Thoughts

9

Written on September 4, 2010 by emily

Some one (or two) liners from my recent journaling:

1) Hunger for wholeness isn’t just about getting to a place where your wounds no longer throb with pain, it is about faithfully pressing onward toward complete restoration in Jesus.

2) Hope is something that you do.

3) You don’t get to have things your own way. You gave up your will when you stepped into His.

4) Steering your own ship is a surefire way to crash into the rocks.

5) Who has your confidence? Fear or God?

6) Give thanks. It will sweep away your bad attitude. Gratitude is the best weapon against discontentment.

7) Nets are crafted skillfully, one strand, one knot at a time. Don’t get in a hurry or your fish will get away through a sloppy hole in your net.

8 ) Remind me every day to stare pride in the face and deliberately move him to the bottom shelf where he belongs. Let humility, forgiveness and love be at eye-level.

9) The risk of pain (by bee sting) is worth the joy of a carefree barefoot summer. *Note: there have been no bee stings, but there have been lots of barefoot carefree days.

10) The darkness is not dark to You, God, and it is not dark to me either as long as I’m staring at Your face.

No Comments | Daily Thoughts