Em

I marvel at how our feelings are mirroring each other right now. Just tired and not where I want to be at this moment.

Thank you for your musings and writings. It helps lots of us!

I love you, kiddo!
Kathy

My most honest desire is to silence ‘the beast’ and his crafty lies; this is the precise reason that I reach(ed) out to you. First, I try praying, reading His Words, begging Him to take away the torment of this thought to seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem. In my HEART, I know His love, and my betrayal of that love thru these thoughts/desires of death… but my head floods with a longing for going “home” from time to time. Last night was one of those times. And I am thankful that I was led to call you rather than the Shooting Range. I knew that I had to escape the evil clutches of lies and temptation, and I was relentless in my pursuit to do so. It’s like being locked in a room of the enemy and pounding on the door to get out.

I know I have justified my death-wish and rationalized how the action would “help” my family. That has not been the case recently. I have merely been plagued with the overwhelming want for escape, for a loooong sleep, time away from all that surrounds me. It has been a selfish and wholly egotistical/pride-filled fantasy lately. A lust in which I consciously try NOT to indulge, or even entertain, but rather I attempt to turn it all over to God – for my (and my family’s) protection. When I am unable ‘take the High Road’ on my own… I turn to those I know will help me get to where I should be, where I NEED to be. Last night – and several times in the past – I turned to you. Because I know that He will reach thru you and into me. That He can and WILL protect me from myself and all that wishes to harm me, devastate my children, and destroy our family.
I walk in the light, even when it appears but faintly. I gave my life (and re-give it daily) to He who saved me and gave His own Life and Love to me. Last night, the faint shimmer of His light shone a path to you, and even our brief conversation (rather, my brief moaning and confessing) helped strengthen the glow of Him. It was enough to plant my feet (no matter how painful and achey) back on His path for me. Plenty to ask for His protection from those indulgent musings and putrid planning.

I know all of what you say is true. It was not painful for me to read; merely reassuring that my “right mind” knows these truths… knows Him… chooses Life. But, as a sheep who accidentally and unintentionally slips away from it’s herd, I am prone to enemy attacks – without any intention to do so and without any conscious indulging in that dark realm.
Trust that He has me firmly in His great, and loving hands. But also, please, continue to be a conduit for His love to reach me thru you. I cherish how He loves me thru you. I treasure the pearl He is creating, and have no deliberate intention to extinguish His light by ending my life. Rest assured that He will intervene – occasionally by prompting me to reach out to you – and not allow the enemy any of the spoils from this war.

Don’t trust me… but Do trust Him with me.
I sure am. I must, and I DO, and I will continue to…
until HE (and only He) takes from me, my last breath.

I basically hate the mall, too, although I still have need of shopping there on occasion. But why do I find myself there exposing my innocent children to a place that embodies the selfishness, greed and lust of the American culture? I can’t help but wonder if Judah’s misbehavior was partly due to the hideous spiritual atmosphere around him. Don’t get me wrong – in the dead of winter, we have often gone to the mall for a family outing or carousel ride with the kids. It’s not wrong to take kids there, but I do believe little ones are often barometers to the condition of the spiritual realm around them. Just a thought.

Again, great post. Love reading your thoughts, dear friend!