Checking In..

Monday, January 11th, 2010

It’s been a little while. I just wanted to post a little note to share that everything is going well. I have a long list of things I want to write about, but the creative space to let it all out seems to be eluding me. I suppose that’s alright. After all, I am not a machine. I’d rather wait until the words come together naturally than trying to drag them out by the toes. So, an update! Everything is going well. We still have a lot of unknowns about what is coming this year, but although our days seem uncertain, we’re all excited for the adventures ahead. Everyone seems to be responding well to having space to roam and a new city to explore. We miss our Los Angeles friends, but hopefully it won’t be too long before we’re able to return for a visit!

I will write more soon!

Reflections on Moving, Part II

Monday, December 21st, 2009

What a journey this has been! I have so much I want to write about this experience, but truly, going to bed is a high priority right now. Just wanted to give you some of the nitty gritty on our adventures since many of you want to know and I can only make so many phone calls to tell the tale.

We have arrived safely and are all moved in. We had about 10 extra people helping us unload (they managed to get all our stuff off the truck and into the house in one hour!) and we’ve got a super head-start on our unpacking. We’re now enjoying our kitchen, living room, office, and dining room completely unpacked and free of boxes. That amazes me! In the past few days, we’ve continued to receive the generosity of many friends and family members…gift cards, meals, groceries, gifts, help, encouragement…I’ve been truly overwhelmed and blessed by more people than I can mention in this little entry. I’ve never felt so thoroughly cared-for by my two communities–Los Angeles and Seattle. As we traveled north, it was like giant hands from Los Angeles stretched north to meet giant hands reaching south from Seattle and we made this tiny little hop over the space between them…Like God prepared the way for us at every step, and made sure our every need was met and then some. Our travel also happened between two cold spells and we encountered exactly zero snow/ice on the road. In December. In the Pacific Northwest. This does not happen unless it is an act of God! And I believe it was!

I’ll write more about our move in and the house soon, but I wanted ya’ll to know we’re safe and sound and so excited for this new space and season of our lives. It truly feels like home.

Reflections on Moving, Part I

Thursday, December 17th, 2009

I need to take just a moment and let my heart hang out there. Tomorrow morning I will wake up to the last sunrise in what has been my Los Angeles home for three and a half years. I moved here with a one month old baby girl, and I will leave here with a three-year-old chatterbox, a nearly two-year-old huggabear, and a newborn that doesn’t seem so nearly newborn anymore even though he’s only two months old…but that’s not all I’ll leave with. In about thirty hours, I’ll depart Los Angeles with my crazy crew of kids and a truck full of our belongings as well as an ocean’s worth of memories, blessings, lessons, and laughs that will most definitely never leave my heart. This season has hands-down been the most joyful of my life.

I’m compelled to shout my gratitude aloud…over and over…To God: for helping me find my voice in the quietness and solitude of motherhood, for fulfilling the promise to heal the brokenness of my heart and restore me, for growing me in more areas than was comfortable, and for giving me clear vision about His very best for my life. God–In this next season, I humbly request more of Your best in my life. You and I both know some of the areas I’m hungry for growth in. I’m also thankful to my beloved husband. Babe, we’ve come through so much together. I’m so proud of the man you’re becoming, and I am so confident that the next leg of our journey together will be even more wonderful. I pray for you wisdom, health, hunger for more of God’s work in our home, and abounding laughter. I’m sure the kids will help with that in our great big house! We might have to laugh louder and longer to fill up all the rooms, but with all the growing that is happening, that shouldn’t be too hard .

I have to also just say–We have been blessed by the community around us in ways I never expected. You know..the ways that leave you scratching your head, but also wiping away a tear (or many) because of how insightful, generous, and overwhelming your support has been. I wish I had an adequate way to say thank you, but I’m pretty sure its not possible to communicate the magnitude of our gratitude. Ha. That was a cute rhyme. Really though, our gratitude is through the roof of a skyscraper. This has been one of the most challenging transitions of our many, and we have felt more encouragement, support, and love than I could have imagined. So thank you. Again. And again.

I can’t start in to all the memories I have of this little place in the world, or I might be traveling to Seattle on a river of my own tears, but I did want to say this one thing. Los Angeles and all the people I’ve met in it have been terrific. Super terrific. I’m full to the brim, friends. With love, I say farewell.

We Are Moving…

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

Yes. It is true. I considered a more quippy title for this post, but I figured a straightforward headline might actually draw the attention of my many friends and contacts. I mean. Let’s be honest. There are only a faithful few who actually read my wordy explorations of the heart. I am grateful for those few, but I wanted to get this news out to a few more of you than usual. So here you are. Reading. I win!

So, yes. We are bidding farewell to Los Angeles in just about three weeks, and we will be returning to beloved Seattle, the beautiful city from which we came. We’re excited to go and see what adventures lie ahead, but with new seasons come goodbyes (or at least, see-ya-laters) that ache. These new developments have sent me into an even more reflective space than usual, and I have to say I am beyond grateful for the friends we’ve made here. It has been a rich and full experience to find community in such a chaotic city. With cheesy fanfare I proclaim this the city of angels…real ones that have impacted our lives and family forever.

With so little time left, we may have to get a little creative to see everyone we can face-to-face before our departure on December 18th. Whether you think we are relationally close or not close, please know I’m interested in seeing you. Consider inviting yourself over or meeting up with us at the few events we’ll be attending in the next few weeks. I mean it. If you’re interested in helping us with some of the necessary evils of moving, we’re open to volunteers during our last week. With our three little people, it just might be a bit interesting.

For Seattle friends whom we haven’t seen in a while, get ready! Here we come! We’re really eager to re-connect, so please keep that in mind when you’re making your January commitments. Fit us in somewhere!

So there you have it, folks. Be in touch!

A Quiver Full…

Saturday, October 24th, 2009

We’ve been a full house for ten days now…Three kids, two parents, one happy family. From the outside, it might look picture perfect. I’ll be the first to tell you that it is not perfect, but it is still wonderful. We are truly delighted to have our new addition, and happiness really is bursting from our hearts…but it would be horribly untrue for me to say this has been an easy transition. It has been very challenging, but as the days pass, I do think we’re all settling in and finding our groove again. To be fair to ourselves, we’ve been piling up major life transitions for a few years now. We’ve been married just over four years, have welcomed 3 kids into our lives, and probably couldn’t count our other major adventures in that time on two hands. Five years ago, I didn’t know how to cook anything but top ramen and fish sticks. I had very few household skills and relatively little experience with small children. I had no familiarity with the many challenges that mothers navigate on behalf of their children including nutrition, health, development, discipline, etc. Five years ago, I was a college girl with dreams for my life that are very different from what my dreams have now become. That isn’t to express any disappointment in the changes…on the contrary, I’ve been glad to send my old dreams a sailin’ in exchange for the new dreams that have come from seeing life from a radically new perspective.

So here we are, just a few months into year five, learning how to live as a family of five. The older kids seem to love and accept the newest member of our family, and it really is hard to imagine what life was like without him even though we’re only ten days in. Just today, a friend was holding the baby and asked Alaina if it would be ok if they kept our baby for a while, teasing of course. Alaina got instantly concerned and teary-eyed and said, “No, you can’t. He’s our baby. We need to take him home with us. He’s not your baby,” she said. We had to reassure her that no one was going to keep our baby. It was really sweet to see her attachment and concern. Each day, Judah has aggressively pursued opportunities to hold the baby, which also includes not-so-gentle nuzzles and pats to the head and face. He seems to be learning gentleness, slowly. His enthusiasm for the little one is unmatched in the family, and it is clear that he loves his little brother. That said, both of the older kids have been challenging in other ways.

It is quite amazing how drastically family dynamic changes with the introduction of a new little one. Our two older kids seem suddenly much larger and much older than they were just two weeks ago. Of course the comparison to nine pounds of huggable goo would make them seem so, but they really are different as well. They’re both being stretched a bit, and the most challenging part of the last ten days has been their attitudes and behavior. Both have been whining up a storm and seem to have pulled the plug on their listening abilities. It has been a delicate balance trying to nurture them through this transition and having to simply lay down the boundaries necessary to keep our family floating…all while the parents are as tired as bears in winter. We’re all learning that caring for each other is a constant goal–one we have to work hard at every moment of the day whether we’re tired or rested, grumpy or giddy. Patience and diligence are pre-requisites for this season of life, and we’re getting to practice them both, possibly more than we ever wanted to.

I’m certain that the coming weeks will bring more progress in these areas, as we learn together how to order our household as unto the Lord. For now, I think I’ll keep hugging each of the kids close and asking God to show me just what I need to do in order to best serve my family in this season.

Elias Joins the Party

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

Our little man is now eight days old, and as with most newborns, it is hard to imagine that just more than a week ago we had never seen his face, and that even one year ago, there is was not even the inkling of him in our minds. It amazes me how quickly things change and how immediately the heart embraces new life so fiercely that it seems as if this child has always been with us. This is obviously not a new experience for me, since he is the third child to make his way into our family, but it still astounds me.

For those who have been patiently waiting for an update, I’ll start with that. We are all well. I am recovering extremely well, and although I  have to be realistic that full recovery is still some weeks away, my body feels remarkably good. Just some soreness and tiredness to work through, as is to be expected. I am glad to say I’m feeling a lot more like a person than a mommy-blob or a whale. That’s definitely a relief! Little Elias is already over his birthweight, eating well, and seems as content as can be, so long as he’s not being poked at by an older sibling. Both kids seem to accept and love him very much, but there is some room to learn gentleness around infants. Judah is especially fond of his brother and wants to hold him all the time. We just have to work on him keeping his fingers out of the baby’s eyes!

The tale of Elias’ birth is not all too different than my other birth experiences in the respect that when my body decides its time to expel a child, the process is rather quick…but before I get ahead of myself let me start at the beginning.  This time around, I was holding on pretty tightly to my due date–not expecting that I would or could possibly go past it…I felt less psychologically prepared for this birth, and with the obvious responsibilities of our two other children, the fatigue was really getting to me toward the end. On top of everything, the week leading up to the due date, I started having a terrible toothache (wonderful timing, I know) and it became quickly clear that it was an issue that needed to be addressed immediately. On our due date of October 9th, I made my way down to the dental school at UCLA and had my first ever root canal at 40 weeks. Fortunately, I did not go into labor then (it was definitely a worry for me!) and my toothache was taken care of.

I was on serious baby-watch, hoping to slip into labor any ol’ time, but Elias just kept us waiting. Saturday…Sunday…Monday. I was starting to get a bit nervous considering my wonderful mother (who had been with us for a week already) was about to leave, and we didn’t even have a baby yet! We then decided that it was in our best interest to pursue an induction to get things going. This choice was extremely tough for me, as I tend to fall on the anti-intervention side of things whenever possible, and I had a host of concerns about what kind of birth experience an induction would lead us to. I discussed my many concerns with my midwife and consulted with my husband before deciding that it really was our best choice in the given circumstances…That said, I requested a conservative induction–one that left some room for my body to spring into action on its own.

So Tuesday morning, we found ourselves at the hospital, getting the first round of Misoprostol, a tiny pill placed next to the cervix to help it ripen for labor. Each dose of miso takes 4 hours to work its magic, and we ended up having two rounds (so, 8 hours) of resting, walking about, talking, eating lunch and dinner…In all, Tuesday ended up being a really relaxing day. It was nice to spend that time with my husband, discussing the many things we hadn’t had much time to talk about in the previous weeks. By late evening, I had started having contractions on my own, although their pattern was horribly confusing. There would be a strong one, two lighter ones, a 5 minute break, three strong ones in a row…essentially no pattern at all except that these were certainly labor contractions and some were so close together, there was no way they weren’t doing anything to progress labor. At the time, I wasn’t horribly uncomfortable, and although the contractions were strong, I could still walk through them if I focused. Around 2am, I was at 3cm and opted to spring for an epidural to get some rest since I’d been up for 19 hours and I still had some work ahead of me. At that time, the midwife started pitocin while I slept for the next four hours. I admit, I had been extremely wary of jumping to pitocin earlier in the induction process, but I appreciated that my midwife really did ease into it rather than bulldozing ahead. I did get a hearty stretch of sleep and at 6:30, it was time to see where things were at.

Surprisingly (or maybe not to some), there had been zero cervical change in those four hours..I was still at 3cm. I had a little twinge of panic and was totally not expecting that news. Not sure what that could mean in the coming hours, I just begin to pray for progress…The midwife opted to break my water a little after 7am to see where that would go. She kept referencing my history and said that she really thought once my body picked up on all the cues, that things would go quickly and smoothly. I was glad for her reassurance, because I really didn’t want this to turn into a terrible birth experience. I was confident that she would let me labor as long as it took so long as everything was still looking good with me and the baby. This hour of uncertainty was by far the worst part of the whole experience, which in hindsight wasn’t that bad either.

Around 8:30, Kolby slipped out to get some breakfast, and you know…just let your husband leave if you want labor to go faster. Haha. It wasn’t more than 15 minutes later that I sent him a text message saying, “You need to come back. Quickly please.” I’m kind of amazed I was so polite about it, because I could tell it was coming quickly, even through my epidural block. By 9am, I was actively suppressing the urge to push as the nurse got everyone bustling in the room. Kolby came in about then and I started crying saying, “I can’t hold it! I can’t hold it! Hurry up please! Get the people ready!” They had to remove the foley catheter before I could push effectively (which they did at about 9:10am) and the very second it was out, I pushed about 3 times and little Elias was born at 9:13am on Wednesday, October 14th, 2009. Essentially, I went from 3cm to 10cm in 2 hours…For those that remember, my other labors have been much the same. When it’s go-time, it’s GO-TIME.

I’m fairly certain things would have gone just fine without an induction, but with everything going on, it did prove to be the best choice. I feel like I got to have the best of everything for myself…a hospital date with my amazing husband (hey…you take what you can get when you have multiple children! ha), the relieved stress of not having to race to the hospital in record time to avoid having a baby in the car or elevator, a gentle induction, the pain relief of an epidural, rest, and then a super exciting ending. I especially prefer the first hour after the birth to have that epidural block–I felt much more able to calm myself and welcome my baby without having to feel all the poking around that happens at that time. With Judah’s birth in March 08, I didn’t have one, and although that birth experience was very positive and all natural, the whole first hour after his delivery was really tough for me. I was hysterical and shaking and not really able to welcome my son the way I had wanted to.

All that to say, I feel like despite my precipitous history, I’ve been blessed to experience a few varieties of labor from the spontaneous rupture of membranes & 3.5 hour labor (Alaina’s birth) to the super-hustle to the hospital with a completely natural delivery & 2 hour labor (Judah’s birth) to a conservative induction and medicated delivery (Elias’ birth)…all of which have been great experiences in their own way.

So, Elias Bradley Allen was born on Wednesday, October 14th at 9:13am weighing 8lbs 12oz and measuring 21in long. I feel quite blessed and thankful for all the support that has been pouring in from friends and family…I’ll soon write about the first week of life and the adjustments we’ve all had to make around the house with Elias’ addition. Until then, thanks for your prayers and encouragement! They’ve seen us through a really huge transition in a most important way.

All About Preschoolers

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

I will soon write about our most recent adventures (welcoming baby Elias into the world!) but for now, I’ve got to give in to some humor. It helps me through these first tough days of figuring out just how all this is going to come together. So have a read, and add your wisdom in some comments below!

Some things you probably know if you have a preschooler (or two):

1. There are the sippy cups that are useful, and the sippy cups that are for entertainment value only.
2. The “entertainment” sippy cups clutter your cupboards and add more frustration to your life than they are worth, so do yourself a favor and either let them live in the toybox or the trash receptacle (my favorite choice).
3. Safety pins really are a necessity. Especially when your child who cannot yet dress themselves discovers how to un-dress themselves. Please note that un-dressing often leads to un-diapering and those messes are quite un-desirable.
4. You can train your sticky food-covered child to stand up and turn around in their feeding chair so you can extract them without much mess on yourself. I recommend heading straight for the bathtub to minimize the spread of the mess to any other part of the house.
5. If you have more than one child, you must remember that children have a keen sense of justice. If there isn’t one for everyone, there isn’t one for anyone. This applies to fruit snacks, lollipops, bracelets, hairbrushes, Lightning McQueen cars, mini baby strollers, hospital ID bands, tictacs, smoothies, backpacks, envelopes, etc.
6. Likewise, if you have one for everyone, you must be prepared to police (or at least train) your children that everyone must have one…not two or three while the other has none.
7. Most anything can become an artistic tool, especially on the canvas of a toddler-sized body or your beautiful white walls. This applies to: makeup of any variety, chapstick, bandaids, stickers, ketchup, ranch dressing, any dressing, diaper cream (be especially wary of the kind that comes in a tub), hand soap, poop, etc.
8. All the best songs to sing with kids are the ones that you can never get out of your head. Examples: B-I-N-G-O, The Wheels on the Bus, The Ants Go Marching, The Song that Doesn’t End, There’s a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea…
9. If you are seating two toddlers beside each other at a table, in a stroller, in the car, in a shopping cart, on an airplane, or really anywhere else, it is recommended that you be prepared for squawking and squirming, poking and screaming to the point that you must remove one from the situation.
10. Most people who travel with toddlers-in-tow also host a number of incredible science experiments in the back seat of their vehicles. The under car seat and floor areas are especially fully if interesting specimens. Apparently, some of the specimens are also edible even after several weeks (or dare I say, months). It is recommended that you vacuum out your car in whatever intervals you’re comfortable with, considering that you cannot always keep your children from eating what they find.

There’s a start! Any more mom wisdom out there to add? I want to hear it!

Root Canal Revelations

Friday, October 9th, 2009

I know. It’s a bit of a stretch to draw deeper conclusions about subjects such as root canals, but I’ve been pondering this all evening, and since I did experience a root canal today for the first time, this is what you get to hear about. It was never my intention to have a root canal instead of a baby on my due date, but sometimes things go differently than you plan. Earlier this week I started having some discomfort in this particular tooth and some related jaw pain that was really ringing my bell, and as much as I wanted to ignore it and plod through, it became clear as the days went by that further procrastination was not in my best interest. I was advised to at least have someone look at it to determine what could be done and what the best timing would be for such actions.

My humbling confession is that I haven’t actually seen a dentist in longer than I care to admit, and I’ve collected a really nice pile of excuses why not. Can’t afford it. Don’t really need to. Sorry, I’m busy having another child and just can’t be bothered with something frivolous like a dental checkup. But who am I kidding? I was avoiding it because I was afraid of going. Afraid of hearing that I am lucky to have any teeth in my head. Afraid of hearing that if I want to keep said teeth, I’m going to have to shell out an obscene amount of money. Afraid of someone actually poking around in that space that is just….personal. Mouths are personal. And even the tamest dental procedures feel very invasive. So I avoided going until the last possible moment…perfect dramatic timing that fell on the due date of my yet-to-be-born third child.

I have to admit, I had a little bit of hysteria thinking through just what to do. First of all, of course I don’t have a regular dentist. ha. I had no idea where to go and finding any medical professional in Los Angeles makes me hyperventilate. Fortunately, I know people who know people…and the people I know are wise and patient and frankly, are angels for sending me in the right direction. So I jumped in. I made an appointment and went in today for a dental exam to check things out. In short, after the initial exam, although I could have put it off (and I really wanted to), the recommendation was to take care of the source of the problem today, which meant root canal! Eeeks. Yeah, thats not what I was planning on today. I was planning on birthing a child. If I’m honest, I had a little window of time that I was gripped with fear and wiping away tears feeling like, “Why this? Why now?” even though I’ll be the first to admit I did it to myself.

In short, I decided that being afraid of something is simply not a good enough reason to avoid it. Let me write that again, just for myself, so I remember it when I encounter the next scary thing in my life. Being afraid of something is not a good enough reason to avoid it. So I went through with the procedure. It was long and slightly uncomfortable considering I had a little friend along in my belly, but honestly…in my truest words, it was not bad at all. Sure, not something I’d like to do often (or even ever again if possible), but definitely not as bad as I had braced myself for. Not to mention that I feel really great knowing that it is taken care of and it is no longer hanging over my head.

So next time you’re facing something scary, take heart. See if you can squint a bit and look through to the other side of your fear to the goal. Fear needn’t be a paralyzing thing. It is very real and shaking the feelings that come can be challenging, but you may just find yourself on the other side of your hurdle before you know it, feeling silly that it seemed so dramatic in the first place.

Plus, a good friend asked me today: which is harder, having a root canal or birthing a child? I’d say, childbirth by far. So yay. The worst (which is really the best just as soon as it is over!) is yet to come. haha. And with that, I’ll go to bed so that just in case my son decides to join us soon, I’m rested! Goodnight.

Musings of Maternity Life

Sunday, October 4th, 2009

Those of you who are not nearby haven’t been privy to the breathtaking (ok, so maybe its more like shocking) view of my presently extremely large belly. It is an odd torpedo-shape, and nearly every ‘knowing’ woman who has guessed at the gender of the baby has been correct. You would think I have a sign on the front that says, “BOY”! Well, it is a boy, and although I don’t think I previously ever imagined having two boys in a row (the plan was to have a space after the first boy), I’m excited to discover the joys and challenges of having two boys so close in age.

I’m actually due 5 days from now and have experienced the full range of emotions and experiences during this pregnancy. As always, things have gone remarkably well. I am thankful to have been given a body that seems in every way to be made for reproducing. I’ve never had much morning sickness. I’ve never had any complications. And as I’ve previously noted, my labors are insanely fast. The last one was 2.5 hours. That has made me a little concerned and anxious for how this labor will go. I’ve had dreams about giving birth on the corner of Wilshire and Westwood Blvd. in the middle of rush hour because we just couldn’t make it to the hospital quickly enough…dreams about giving birth in my own bathroom in the middle of the night because I woke up (in my dream) and had literally ten minutes before the baby arrived. I’ve had dreams about being in church, the supermarket, the mall, and all sorts of other strange places, and I’m still offering prayers to the heavens that it won’t go down quite like that.

About a month ago, I was dealing with some pretty major anxiety about this birth. Partly because of the dreams mentioned, and partly because this being my third child in 3 years, I haven’t had any time to forget the trauma of the last one. Oh yes, it is a miracle and a magical experience in so many ways. I don’t mean to downplay that part, but holy moly, I know a little too much about what is coming my way. Fortunately, thanks to the comforting of many friends, many prayers, and the resolve that comes in late-pregnancy, I’m feeling less anxious and more ready than ever to welcome my son.

I’m kind of amused by the looks I get when I’m out and about. As mentioned, the belly really is hanging out there, and I see concern (and sometimes alarm) on people’s faces when I pass. I think some of them really are worried about what might happen if I cry out, grasp my belly, and yell, “I’m having a baby!” I’ve almost wanted to do it just for giggles, but I am quite aware of what happened to the boy who cried “Wolf!” My labors being as they are, I can’t afford to take any chances with that. Ha.

I know some of you reading have given birth, and some of you reading have not. I guess if I could leave you with any thought about bearing a child, I would say that despite all discomforts and all the challenges that come with it, there is no more missional, purposeful, and fulfilling endeavor than bringing an eternal soul into the world. Of course, the birthing is just the beginning, and the mothering that comes after is an important part of the mission. It might seem overwhelming or intimidating, but we are all learning as we go, even those of us who have “done it before”. I am comforted to know that even though Jesus never gave birth, He endured pain and suffering that I could never survive. Even now, as I prepare to give birth any ol’ minute, I tell myself, “He endured the Cross for me.” I know my body was made for this. I know that sacrifice is required to bring forth life. I am focused on the great gain that will come…a precious little boy who will take on a name meaning: “The Lord is My God”. It is truly my declaration as I face the coming days. The Lord is my God and I will trust Him.

Refreshed

Sunday, October 4th, 2009

It is fair to say that I’ve been altogether neglectful of my writing goals and blog-upkeep. Hello. No posts since June. Yes, I have been a bit busy doing other things–like growing a baby in my belly and taking care of two others. I’ve been meaning to write, then putting it off for one reason or another. I think I needed just a bit of time away to gather myself and find fresh vision for my life as a mother, wife, and creative being.

I really wasn’t sure I’d return to blogging after my 3 month absence, but I decided after much agonizing that as long as I can manage to apply my new-found appreciation for simplicity (which is a new and permeating theme throughout my life) to my writing, I can continue to involve ya’ll in my journey. So here I am, with a new look on my blog to celebrate the newness of this season and to help inspire me to keep writing about the simple and poignant lessons I am learning in the humble space of my home. The truth is, I want to write just to keep hold of those lessons. Due to their simple nature they are easily overlooked and forgotten with time.

So, join me again, if you will, as I pick up my virtual pen and continue spilling out what God is depositing into my heart. I hope you’ll be blessed, and I hope you’ll join in with frequent comments. Much love.

Emily