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Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

I’m always searching for a big chunk of time in which I can write. The problem is, I don’t have big chunks of time that are free for such things despite having an overflow of inspiration and desire to be writing about the many things on my heart. I’ve been carrying around a Moleskine journal with me everywhere I go and have been jotting down shorthand notes of the things I hope to come back to when I have the time…if I have the time. The list is growing longer, and if I don’t start now, I may never get to some of the topics. So I guess I’ll have to do this ‘fly-by’ writing. It’s not how I’d prefer to write…I rather like the well-crafted, finished product approach, but right now you get the raw, unedited, just how it spills out of my heart version. My guess is some of you will like that better anyway.

People continue to ask me the question, ‘How do you do it? What’s your secret?’. I’m assuming they are referring to the many facets of my life and how I practically handle motherhood, business, ministry, and the other personal passions I have on a daily basis. For those of you who just inched up on your chair, interested in my answer, you might be disappointed. There is no secret. There is no shortcut to success, and there is no circumventing the process I’ve gone through to be living in the very center of blessing…the very center of every desire of my heart. I couldn’t begin to relay the entire process for you, but in short, the ‘secret’ to my success…to my joy…is the very simple fact that every day I choose to throw myself into the holy fire of God. I’m no pyro, but you’ll find me in the fire every day. I willingly go there, knowing that what I gain in God’s care is worth everything I must give up in order to be there. Everyone gets to choose what they want for themselves, and if you want joy and hope that endure every trial, there are things you must sacrifice.

Your agenda. Toss it out. It won’t happen the way you plan it anyway, and you’ll only cause yourself more anguish if you cling to your agenda like it’s your only hope. Cling to Jesus instead. He doesn’t burn up in the fire. But if you’re holding tight to your agenda, and the fire sweeps around you, it will be only moments before you’re grasping at ashes that no longer provide you direction. Instead, recognize that Jesus is a lamp, lighting your way in the darkness. If you don’t follow Him, you risk being swallowed up in blackness.

Your ego. If we’re to consider Jesus as an example of how we are to live, humility is the way to go. You cannot be more humble than the glorious God who came as a baby, and you cannot give more than He gave in giving His life for all people. So if you think you’ve given ‘enough’, or if you think you’re doing pretty good on the spectrum of goodness, see if your ego is staring back at you when you look in the mirror. If you see Jesus’ face there instead, (or goofy jelly-smeared preschooler faces), you’re probably on the right road.

Your stuff. You think that $90 calculator you’ve had since high school is yours? Nope. It now belongs to your four year old who thinks its some kind of ancient telephone. Your nice flat-screen TV? Now a canvas for toddler yogurt painting. Your dapper fashion-forward clothes? Snot rags. This is my life, and yet, I guarantee you I’m happier than someone with every lavish material desire at their fingertips. Plus, if we’re returning to the fire analogy, there are very few things in life that are not flammable and really, eternally worthless.

Your perspective. God just doesn’t see things the way we do. I think I’m a pretty smart girl, but I’m continually discovering how blind I am to His goodness. His patience. His blessing. His will. His creativity. His holiness. If I want to see with His eyes, I’ve got to let Him touch mine with the mud that makes blind people see.

So how do I do it? I surrender to the flames. I let God take the things that are unnecessary away so He can give me the things that matter…the things that last. He’s taken my sorrow and given me joy instead. He’s taken my selfish ambitions and given me an eternal purpose instead. He’s taken my emptiness and has made it full. Overflowing, actually. He’s taken my selfish and hardened heart and made it a beautifully sculpted pitcher to be filled by Him and poured out to my family and the others He brings to my door.

I’m learning that faithfulness and diligence are not some noble beautiful pieces of china to be stored away in safety. They’re the tools you take with you into the ditch, into the mire, so you can carve the ground, collect the rainwater from heaven, and make beautiful the garden of God’s family. It’s not easy work, and it is not glamorous work, but if you want joy like my joy–if you want blessing like my blessings, trade your jealous and covetous heart in for a new one. That’s what I did, and I’m not looking back.

Like a log in the fire, Your holy flames encircle me, breaking me down in a beautiful way. I glow from the inside out because Your flame is in me. I burn hotter as Your Spirit breaks me free from bondage and the unnecessary things fall away. I understand more than ever that my legacy is You. My home is You. My comfort is You. My hope is You. My freedom is You. My longing is You.

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Sunday, August 15th, 2010

What is the Sabbath anyway? I can’t say I’ve ever been good at observing it in any purposeful way. I know. It’s a day of rest and its in the ten commandments, but of all the commandments, I’ve taken this one pretty lightly. I’d like to publicly repent for that. Still, I have questions about it, like, how in the world do I take a day off and do no work? That whole idea seems foreign to me. I’m a busybody in the first place, but add owning my own business, mothering 3 children, and pursuing a number of different life dreams while I manage a household…I almost want to laugh out loud when I think of taking a whole day off. Every week. Some would say that I should cut some things out of my life. I am willing to remove whatever doesn’t belong when God directs me to, but the truth is, there is nothing I can cut. Nothing I would cut, and I don’t believe God is asking me to cut something out right now anyway. I do believe He’s whispering something to me about this subject though. I feel the need to investigate the deeper meaning of the Sabbath and find some practical ‘next steps’ for myself.

I think the command that we observe the Sabbath is about more than taking a time of rest. After all, Jesus said that if we harbor hate in our hearts, we have committed murder, so we can reason that inward things are just as important to God as the actions we take. A religious observance of the Sabbath without any understanding of why we’re commanded to observe it just might not get to the heart of things. Busy or not, are we purposeful about asking God what He thinks about our schedules? The NLT version of Ps. 37:23 says, “The Lord directs the steps of the godly, He delights in every detail of their lives.” Does He direct your steps? Or I guess I should ask, do you let Him?

I think the Sabbath is meant to be a time of laying down our self-importance. It’s not just about sleep (although that is good), it is about recognizing God, acknowledging Him, and waiting on Him for our next marching orders. It’s about seeing the day we have before us as a gift from Him, to be used for His glory, for His purpose, for His story. It’s about the holiness of God and the wholeness of rest in Him. It’s about shutting out the noise so we can see the big picture–the truth that God’s story (and God’s glory) extends far beyond our little corner of the universe. The Sabbath is about placing value on God’s perspective and God’s desires for us. Do you care about what God thinks?

The Sabbath is about being renewed and rejuvenated by the One who gives life. It’s about becoming excited for the journey we’re taking with God. Life gets really dull when its the same all the time…even if ‘the same old thing’ means racing from this adventure to that. If you race long enough…well, besides the fact that you just can’t sustain that…it will just get dull. Ask the folks who go clubbing every night of the week. Let’s see how long that excites them. Jesus is the one who fills us with good things, and if we don’t spend any time preparing ourselves to take in those good things, what have we missed? Everything. It makes me think of fresh bread straight out of the oven. Butter melts into the bread as you take a bit and savor it in your mouth. But if you’re in the car, rushing from meeting to meeting to store to practice to meeting, the best you can do is donate five minute and five dollars to the empty calories of the fast food joint. That stuff is not fresh, and its not rejuvenating even though it fills the empty space in your stomach. Life in the fast lane causes you to make unwise choices, because you believe you have no other choice, which is never true. There is always a wise choice to make, we just don’t always see it, and we’re not always prepared for it.

So slow down. Ask God for perspective about what rest and rejuvenation look like in your life. I’m not talking about taking a two week vacation to an exotic place every other year–I’m talking about weekly, even daily, stopping what you’re doing to rest your weary heart and check in with God.

What does this mean for me? Life with little ones is all about creativity and innovation. Mothers are excellent at both of these things. It is clear to me that I cannot take a day off in which I do no work, so I’m going to be asking God to show me what opportunities I have in the day that I can stop and hear Him. I want to know how to rid myself of self-importance, because that one seems built in to me. Ousting it is a matter of deliberate surrender. I’ve already started by taking my Bible with me when I put my kids to bed. I sit on the stairs as they settle in their beds (we have an ongoing problem with a certain four year old getting out of bed to collect toys and disturb the baby), and I open it up. There’s 15 minutes easy. I also pray every time I stand at the sink. Admittedly, sometimes I go to the sink to do dishes, not because they need to be done, but because I need to check out of screaming land and into purposeful listening land. When I go to bed, I leave all technology at the other end of the house. Phone. At one time in my life I felt responsible for the whole world, and I felt like if I didn’t have my phone within 2 feet of myself at all times, the world might end, and I’d miss the call. No more, friends. Sleep is so important to God, and so important to my own health that even the risk of missing an emergency phone call does not sway me to bring my phone to bed. As long as I know my children are safe in their beds, I have no need for a phone by my pillow.

I want to learn more, and I want God to show me how I can best honor His command from the heart, not from some outward unimportant ritual. I think that concludes my current exploration of the Sabbath.

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Sunday, August 15th, 2010

A little business. I’m kind of strange when it comes to writing…I need everything to be ‘just so’ or I just can’t get the words out. A little quirk of mine. Blogging is a great way to  start into things and come back to them as I like, and I especially love that I can segregate the topics in a nice organized fashion. But if the titles get off track, or I want to write more than once per day (if I’m using the date system I started with), things get funky and I can’t keep going, so, although they’re super boring, I’m titling all my posts with numbers now. And yes, I do feel the need to explain most things I do. I like people to understand why I do certain things. It makes me feel like less of a weirdo, even if it doesn’t make me actually less weird.

I also need to reprise my last entry about the mall. I got off track a bit, remembering the scene our son caused there. I forgot to mention that he was biting clothes and running away with them still in his mouth, yanking them off of hangers. Who does that? But the part I really meant to write about is that I always come home from the mall feeling less than awesome. I come home feeling conflicted about what my heart knows and what my flesh thinks it needs. I know that beauty is fleeting, and a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. But she’s not praised. Not at the mall. She’s bombarded with advertisements and products, and clothes and patrons who silently scream to her: You’re not beautiful unless you wear this, unless you trim down, unless you buy all this useless crap that is overpriced and likely produced somewhere in the world where the conditions are substandard and the workers are unfairly paid for their labor. I walk into the mall and see products that look beautiful on the outside or they promise to make you look beautiful, but its all empty. And some of it is worse than empty. It’s like a diamond-encrusted pile of poo…I guess its also spritzed with perfume from the counter to hide the stench.

I don’t mean to get all on this with a negative attitude, but really, how much time do Americans spend at the mall? It’s many peoples ‘go-to’ activity when they’re bored. I’m guilty. I’ve been to the mall plenty of times. I just can’t figure out why I keep going back when I leave there feeling the way I do. I think about the other shoppers…some of whom are probably perfectly happy with their lives, but many of whom add to their pile of purchases in a manner that would suggest they’re hoping their spending will somehow fill the emptiness they feel. Momentarily, maybe. I guess it fills their closets, which is probably closer to their hearts than my closet is to mine, but that doesn’t last. When is the last time you sat and thought to yourself, “I’m so fulfilled with my life because I bought that $80 pair of jeans three years ago.” Don’t mistake my words…I’m not saying you can’t have some nice things and enjoy a bit of shopping now and then. But I find it incredibly hard to swallow the pill that says, “this will make you beautiful or fulfilled or important or valuable” when its really not at all what makes the difference. In fact, I won’t swallow that pill…I’m spitting it out in front of you right now.

I want to hug the woman who walks into the mall with her child in a stroller who is not there to shop, but is there to maybe brush by another adult who might say hello to her in a known language. She goes to the mall so she can fill her head with images of commercial beauty so she doesn’t have to think about how invisible and unappreciated she feels at home. She spends half an hour eyeing this outfit or that, feeling a twinge of inadequacy knowing that her body has shifted in all the darnedest places and what she wore two years ago will never fit her the same again…if it ever fits her at all. She stops by the makeup counter, hoping there is a magical cream that can hide the circles under her eyes from her lack of sleep. I want to go to this woman and deliver a message to her:

You cannot imagine how beautiful and important you are. You might feel invisible but God sees what you do when no one else knows how you have labored. He was with you when you labored to bring your child into the world, and He is with you every moment that you surrender yourself to serve the needs of the little one He has trusted to your care. He sees your loneliness, and He wants to fill it with deep and lasting joy. He sees your tiredness and He wants to give you rest. He sees your post-partum body and calls it beautiful…Your stretch marks speak of heroism, selflessness, and humility. You are more valuable than all the finest gems in the world. He is confident in your ability to care for your family with skill and grace. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. He will give you the reward you have earned. Take heart and lift your eyes, young mother. God is there to clothe you with strength and dignity, to give you wisdom and discernment, and to make your home a holy place of joy, worship, and thanksgiving. You needn’t go to the mall for what you can find on your knees. So don’t. Settle down right on that pile of laundry, close your eyes, and breath in the Holy Spirit of God. He is with you.

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Saturday, August 14th, 2010

I am not a fan of the mall. I’m tempted to use harsher words for my feelings about the mall, but I’ll restrain myself. It always seems like such a great idea to go, but the mall is only deceivingly great. Like a huge plate of greasy food. Looks yummy, but doesn’t prove to really satisfy. I find myself walking through the stores, mildly drawn by the colorful and new-smelling merchandise, but with every step I feel pressure and discomfort start closing in. It’s not any one thing that bugs me…it’s all of it. It doesn’t help when I have a two year old screaming at the top of his lungs, like a rack of clothes has suddenly morphed into a monster with twenty-four arms and is about to swallow him into blackness. That’s what it sounds like anyway.

But sometimes you just have to go to the mall. You know, its not really acceptable to go without clothes in our society, and in this case, we were searching for some snappy and affordable threads for the daddy of the house. I’m not a fan of the mall because once you step into it, all bets are off with the kids. If we’re moving along at a nice clip, no one complains, but if you stop to look at something interesting, the whining ensues. First whining, then a switch flips and everyone decides they need to run around, through, and under anything they can find, touching every article of clothing along the way with sticky hands, runny noses, or whatever other body part they can run over it. Then you stick ‘em in the stroller, kicking and screaming, and that continues for…10 straight minutes? Frustrating and embarrassing. But, we succeeded at getting what we needed to get…and at over 70% total savings. Victory.

I survived this trip, and in the end, I’m glad we took it because my sweetie will be lookin’ sharp in the months to come, but I think I’ll make a mental note and save myself the trouble next time I think about taking my two year old to the mall with me.

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Friday, August 13th, 2010

I give you a devotional look at John 15: 1-11. I hope you find something in it for yourself.

Jesus said, “I am the true vine.” True. It makes me think of some heroic warrior who, at the end of the battle, stands with his home-country’s flag waving above his head while the dust still swirls around his war-torn and rugged body. The hero has prevailed against his enemies and stands with strength and courage despite his battle wounds. To be true is to be faithful and committed. Jesus is faithful and committed. In fact, He’s a warrior too. I love that. To be true is to stop at nothing to win the victory. Jesus gave everything and won the victory for me. I love that too.

Jesus said, “My Father is the vinedresser.” I don’t know exactly what that means, but I think of being dressed in clothes that are beautiful. I think of clothes that become a shield about me to protect the vulnerable and tender parts of my soul. I think also of the Father tending my wounds…dressing them with healing balm and bandages, gently and skillfully. Some of the moves He makes sting and feel more than uncomfortable, but it’s clear to me that His intention is to bring about my healing. I’m ok with the pain when I know what it brings.

Jesus said, “Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit.” This verse has always frightened me a little. I think it’s meant to motivate us to get off our buns, quit complaining, and do what God has told us to do. I think of Jonah and how God took him away in a fish when he didn’t obey. I don’t want to be the branch that is taken away, and you can bet, I’m motivated to bear fruit, whatever that means. I am bearing children. They are kind of fruity. I’m sure that counts to God. Don’t you think? Of course, I’m a work in progress, and there is more fruit to bear. I notice that Jesus doesn’t say, “Bear fruit once, and you’re good.” It’s actually the second part of this verse that grabs my attention. Even if you’re doing a great job at bearing fruit, He doesn’t just leave you alone. He prunes you. From what I know of the pruning process, it involves…gulp…cutting away stuff that’s attached to you? That doesn’t sound comfortable at all. I’ve been learning that although He cares about me, God doesn’t care so much about my comfort. I guess everything comes at a sacrifice, and apparently bearing fruit costs the peripheral things that might keep me from being able to bear more fruit. I get it.

Jesus said, “You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.” I’ve never noticed this verse before in my life. However, looking at it now, I think it speaks to those of us who worry that we’re not good enough to meet God’s standards. Of course we’re not. I have tried my hand at perfection, and it just isn’t there. Yet, it would seem that Jesus is saying that it is what He has already put in us that makes us acceptable. I like being clean, and I’m comforted to know that Jesus has put that word in me.

Jesus said, “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.” I don’t use the word “abide” in my every day language, but it communicates to me a contentment, a source of strength, energy, life and beauty…a peaceful secret place tucked away in a pristine lagoon or something. I envision myself going there and being surrounded by layers of beauty and goodness on all sides. The longer I sit there, the closer the beauty leans in to me…closer and closer, like a gentle blanket wrapped around. As it touches me, my ordinary body becomes beautiful, energized. Radiant. My eyes are closed but I can see clearly without barriers in the way. My soul sees openly that not only is Jesus light and love, but I am light and love when I’m hidden in Him. I think about how God breathed into Adam when He formed him. I think abiding in Him has something to do with Him breathing into me on a daily basis.

Jesus said, “If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” My first request, Jesus, keep my heart tender and pure. Help me always be inclined toward You and surrendered to Your will for me. I will always choose the tougher road if it means being closer to Your heart. Do you really mean that whatever I wish will be done for me if I ask? I have to stop and think about that for a moment. I’m amazed by what we gain in You, Jesus. Not only do we gain life eternal, comfort from heaven, and an opportunity to be part of God’s story…You say that whatever I long for matters to You. Enough that if I abide in you and make my requests, it will be done for me. That’s amazing.

Jesus said, “My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples. Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.” Ok. You’ve twisted my arm. I’m convinced!

Jesus said, “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.” It is certainly full. I’m bursting in the midst of the most uncertain time of my life. I have ten tons of responsibility, three kids who need me, debts that must be paid, and no foreseeable financial relief from them…but You pay the debts that I owe. I’m light as a feather and joyful as a kid with a lollipop. I’m thankful that You are taking time to lay a foundation under my family…to win our hearts for holiness and set our priorities on the right things. I will keep Your commandments, and I’m sure this joy is lasting.

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Friday, August 13th, 2010

Eight months just flew right by. I think I blinked maybe three times. We sailed away from Los Angeles a smidge before Christmas, and here we are almost to September. So much has happened, and if only for myself, I feel the need to chronicle it here, whether you know all of the story or none of it.

Moving in to our Seattle home was nothing short of an amazing experience. With twice the space of our Los Angeles apartment, none of us really knew what to do with ourselves when we got here. We were greeted with an outpouring of love by our Seattle friends, and in a few hours’ time, we were totally unpacked in all the common areas of the house. Of course the bedrooms and downstairs took a bit longer, but overall the move-in was truly a fluid transition. I think during the first weeks, we all felt kind of lonely only because the house is so big and we were so spread out from each other. When I put the kids down to bed, it felt strange to leave them downstairs…more than 20 feet away from myself and my computer workstation. It took me weeks…no…I think months, to realize that if one of them cried, I really would be able to hear them from the office. I have this secret fear that one of my children could be hurt or in danger of some kind, and I would be completely unaware or unable to help. In the enlargement of our space there needed to also be an enlargement of my faith, my trust in God, and my desire for a life that is far from ordinary.

God has been growing me. Most obviously, He has grown my family, and my circle of friends. He has grown my heart and perspective. He is growing the little bitty seeds I call my dreams into things that already, even still at the beginning stages, have my knees knocking and heart a’leaping with excitement and jittery expectation. He’s been growing my understanding of His character and mission in the world. He’s been growing my longing to live fully alive and unashamed of who He’s created me to be. He’s laying a spiritual foundation in our family on which He will build our house and from which He will send us to bless the world with every tool we’ve got. I’m scared out of my mind, and yet, I’m ready. I’m smiling too. From ear to ear.

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Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Hello again. Yes, I know it’s been more than eight months since I’ve been around. Sometime in January I even popped in to say hello and promised to write more soon…and then you were met with silence. Well…not only silence, but a hilarious message. “Hey, we’re in Maintenance Mode. Check back in 60 minutes!” Sixty minutes turned into many months. I’m a little embarrassed, but I’m also chuckling about the irony. My apologies to those of you who have been checking back. Hopefully I don’t disappoint this time. I’m ready to write, so write I shall.

Life is different, and I am different now. I’m experiencing and processing many things in many areas of my life–all are connected and with similar themes, but I’ve learned that I’m equally big-picture and small details. I see some of the overarching reasons we’re in the season of life we’re in, and I see the subtlest details and nuances that play a part in the process. In the past, I’ve been shy about opening myself in the most transparent ways…not really because I mind that people know my business, but more because I’m afraid that people can’t handle or won’t want to handle how overwhelming my business is. I feel like my heart is oversized to begin with, and it’s full…so full that it’s gushing out like a geyser. What is gushing out? Not blood, thankfully. That would be gross and tragic. It’s gushing out love, passion, joy, creativity, hopes, fears, longings, strategies, connections…see there it goes again. That list could go on a while.

So after months of being on the fence about continuing with Joy Arising, I’ve decided not to continue, and not to quit, but to start over. I’m aching and striving for a supremely honest life before God, and it is my foremost goal to have the most abundant, joyful, Spirit-filled, and selfless life possible. I want it for myself and my husband, and for my children. I want for them a spiritual heritage that is undeniable and immovable because its foundation is laid by the Master Craftsman. And so I open myself, without reservation, to share about God’s shaping of my heart and perspective, to share about my daily struggles and victories, and to share my devotional life and chronicle my personal journey toward the absolute fullness of God’s plans for me. I will not forget where I’ve come from. I will not forget the kindness of my Lord. I will not hide my little light under a bushel. I’m in the business of cultivating joy, which is much like a garden flower. You must prepare the ground, plant the seed, water it appropriately and guard it from harsh weather. You must tend the soil around it and the plant itself as it grows…but when it flowers…oh when it flowers. You will have a blossom that stays in joyful bloom in the company of the Joy-Giver for all of time.

John 15:1-11    ¹“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. ²“Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. ³“You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. ⁴“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. ⁵“I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. ⁶“If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. ⁷“If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸“My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples. ⁹“Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.¹⁰“If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.¹¹“These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.”