June 14 – Grace

Written on June 14, 2009 by emily

So, apparently I needed to rest for a few days before sitting down to write again. Getting back on the horse always seems worse than it really is, so I’m just jumping in again as if I’d never stopped…I could be disappointed for not quite meeting my June challenge to write every day, but the truth is, I’m not disappointed, and I think writing the first eleven days without a break (even if some of those entries were less meaningful than others) is victory enough for me. Sometimes life just happens differently than you can plan, and with as full of activities and heart-stuff as these past few days have been, it really was in my best interest to just give myself a break on the writing front.

For all those achievers out there, I know how you struggle to feel like you’ve done enough in a day. Or struggle to believe that what you have done is worthwhile even if you didn’t accomplish your whole list. For you who are always looking to improve, I understand why. I’m on that circus ride often. But I just think there are times (ok, like way more times than we ever realize or admit)  that improvement doesn’t always happen with movement. Some improvement happens in the still times…in the restful times, when some voices would say you are lazy, but really, you are not lazy at all. Some of the best improvements are made in the times when you don’t lift a finger…when you just sit back, open your heart, and let Jesus do what He’s going to do.

And something I’ve been thinking about regarding grace–It’s so easy to see grace as a one-dimensional and sometimes oddly negative thing. The idea that God tolerates all our shortcomings and has grace for us in spite of our ugliness and irreverence sounds more like the feeling that surfaces when someone we don’t necessarily have any affection for bumbles their way into our lives…We find them annoying, but we put on a nice smile and do the ‘nice’ thing even though we really don’t have nice stuff in our hearts. I don’t think this is what grace is at all. First of all, I don’t think God ever puts on a fake smile. And I don’t think there is ever a time when God’s actions are not in-line with God’s heart. That would be a serious inconsistency.

So that means grace has to be something else. I think it is hard to accept that God does not see how we see. I know it took me a lot of years to realize that even my dearest, most like-minded friends see the world differently than I do. It’s beautiful and frustrating at the same time, because sometimes it is very difficult to understand how someone else sees things…or accept that they won’t see them like you do. But in regards to God and grace, it’s not about tolerance. It is about delight and interest and investment. He is invested in you. He is interested in you. He delights in you. And what you think of yourself is probably very very different than what He thinks of you. I know I’ve been trying to surrender the things in my mind, so that I can be renewed by God’s word…by His truth about who I am and who He is. I know this will be a continual process, but I’m starting by agreeing that really, diligence to a self-made schedule is not everything. Surrender to Jesus is everything, and even during these days that I have not written, He has been depositing beautiful things into my heart. Hopefully you’ll be reading more about them soon.

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