June 10 – Silly

Written on June 10, 2009 by emily

Today I intended to write a silly nonsense story for a friend. Oy. I don’t know if I have a silly story in me. Not an imaginative one anyway. I’m not really the silly type, truth be told. I’m usually the one who takes life a little too seriously, and although there is a silly side in there somewhere, it is often buried and really only comes out when I’m hopelessly tired and don’t know any better. I live on the dark side of the moon, or the deep end of the ocean…the place where cares and ponderings come before laughs and smiles…not because I mean for it to be that way, but because thats just what always comes first for me. Where aches seem closer than hugs, even though the aches are so much more distant than they once were.

There are whole years of time that are like a black hole to me. I don’t remember much that happened in them, and all I do remember is being emptied of my sorrows via bucketfuls of tears. I couldn’t look other people in the eye because if I did, the flood would begin again, even if I tried with all my might to keep it contained. That was the time that I couldn’t move…I couldn’t dance, and I couldn’t throw my head back in laughter. I was rigid and I did not know the sweetness of freedom.

That has changed in recent years. I dance often, especially with my daughter, and I laugh even more often than I dance. But even when God changes the trajectory of your story, you bring your past with you. I like to think that I’m only bringing with me what He intends me to keep–because aside from all the junk, there are plenty of treasures I’d rather not leave behind. I want to remember where I’ve come from. I want to cling to the habits formed in times of desperate need for Jesus…the habit of being honest about the struggles and the habit of being quick to surrender. I want to keep the habit of reaching out with open arms even when I don’t feel strong enough to hold someone else up…because really, its Jesus that does the holding, and I find when my arms are open, my heart is too, and He puts all kinds of lovely things there for me.

And since I promised just a little silliness, I will confess that even though I most often dance with my daughter, I sometimes dance just all by myself around my house, with a heart full of unexplainable excitement. I sing into whatever pretend (or real) microphone happens to be around, and I make up words to real or made-up songs. I am sometimes so happy that I cry into my pillow, and I sometimes wear my clothes inside-out (by accident) until someone else notices. I’m starting to think that maybe my heart is inside out and that’s why I can’t help but spill out all this sentimental stuff. I didn’t say it would be a funny story. And unfortunately silly for me is just…silly. Catch me when its two hours past my bedtime. Then I might be silly AND funny.

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