Writing Challenge

Sunday, May 31st, 2009

I think I’m going to put myself up for a challenge….I’ve been needing to dig in just a little more to my writing–now that it seems to be freely flowing and the ideas are piling up. So, I hereby set aside the month of June to write once a day about everything and nothing…when I’m inspired and when I’m not…when I have time and when I don’t. This should be fun. It would be helpful for me and my writing momentum to receive your comments and/or questions that might further spur me on, as I’m not sure I can do this–but I’m going to try. So readers, hold on to your hats. We’ll start in tomorrow with the first June installment.

New Life

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

I haven’t seen your face yet, unless you count the fuzzy ultrasound photo we first took at 14 weeks. I haven’t felt your fingers wrap around mine, and I haven’t felt your breath on my neck as you sleep, but I know a little about you already. I know approximately how big you are any given week, thanks to a book that tells me about all of your developmental milestones. I know that in 5 short months, you have matured enough to communicate to me in the smallest ways. Just a few days ago, I pressed on you with my fingers and you pressed back. You said, “I’m here, and I’m alive. I am looking forward to seeing your face as much as you’re looking forward to seeing mine.” “All in good time,” I said. Sometimes I feel like I can’t wait that long, but the truth is, I can, and the longer I wait, the longer you have to get your best start at life. I won’t always be perfect, but it is my heart to give you a healthy start, a happy home, and a hearty dose of love each day. I’ve heard thats how babies grow best.

When I worry that something might be wrong, as pregnancy can be a very delicate time you know, you give me a nudge as if to say, “Everything is just fine, mama. Don’t worry. Trust Jesus. I’m safe and I’ll see you soon.” So I will trust. Fretfulness is an easy pattern to fall into, but it really doesn’t help either of us, so I’ll try to refrain from it.

I don’t yet know if you are boy or girl, but I know you’re special. Your big sister tells me she thinks you are either a horse or a house…I’m not sure why she thinks that, or how either of those would fit in the bump where you live, but she’s imaginative and delighful. I think you’ll love her. Your big brother doesn’t really know you’re coming yet, but when the two of you get a little older, I imagine you’ll be great friends.  I feel like it was only yesterday that he was the little person in my womb, having these same conversations with me. Now, as you’ll see when you arrive home, he is much too big for that space. And your daddy? You won’t find any other daddy who is more wonderful than he is. He loves you even now, as do I. One week from now, we’ll know your name…well, I guess I should say, one week from now we will know whether you are boy or girl….and we’ve already chosen some names that I think you’ll be pleased with. Only one will fit, since you can’t be both boy AND girl.

So dear one, until I can call you by your name, I will tell you that though you are yet faceless and nameless in our world, I believe your face and name are known by God, and He has great plans for you.

It’s a (Joyful) Race…

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

Last weekend, my dear husband completed his first 5K race. It was a milestone of many importances, and as with most events, spurred me to do some deeper thinking on racing as it applies to life. On the obvious end, it’s clear that running a race requires commitment, training, proper nutrition, and determination to push through the challenging spots. I’ve seen my husband committed to many things, but this is the first time I’ve seen him seriously prioritize himself, his fitness, and his goals to do more and run farther than he ever has before. The medal at the end was great, but I feel like finishing this race has given him much more than a trinket dangling from a ribbon. First, I see his confidence growing. I see him recognizing that so many of his barriers are really only there to inspire him to leap over them, which he’s shown to be quite capable of doing. I see him caring more for doing his best than doing better than someone else…I love this, and the simple fact that he’s there to race against himself makes me want to continue staring my own challenges in the face and leap over them. I also see him considering the possibilities differently. When you have small victories, you seem to look at the even larger hurdles with a bit more faith that they too can be conquered.

I feel like I’m in a perpetual struggle to move forward–hopefully for all the right reasons. Complacency is such a comfy place to sink into, and the its fingers do not easily let go. I feel like it has been chasing me and grappling for me my entire life. But instead of seeing that I have power over myself, that I can cut it off with swift and sound choices to listen to God’s voice in my life, I’ve feverishly struggled to wiggle my way out of its grasp. Even when I’ve succeeded by a hair, the success has not been without much anxiety and worry. There is no rest in anxiety, but there is rest in Jesus. I’m starting to understand that the race I run isn’t for my life…Jesus already has that in His hands. The race I run is a joyful one of learning that love and hope have little to do with protecting all your prized possessions from loss, or your loved ones from pain…its about seeing more of God’s heart for us and living under the spout where the glory comes out. It is horribly cliche to say it that way, but that doesn’t make it untrue. He has such life for us when we go there.

Watching people come through the finish line, I was struck by all their differences. There were men, women, young folks, old folks, children, mothers with strollers, teams running for a cause, people in wheelchairs. It occurred to me that everyone there had to overcome their own challenges to be racing that day. Their stories different, their challenges different, but they shared this story of victory together. Each one chose to be there that day of their own will. You can’t make someone run, or wheel, through 5 kilometers against their will. Not in this country anyway. They overcame their obstacles and physical limitations for a moment that is so worth all the pain they went through to get there. And the joy on their faces? I’ll keep that snapshot in my heart for a long time.

Focus Pocus?

Friday, May 22nd, 2009

Sometimes I think we just want things to be magically ordered and organized. Unfortunately, order is not one of those things that naturally occurs without action (well…not in my household anyway), and organization is something that takes quite a bit of effort. There was a time I cared very little about organization because at that time my sharp little mind could keep track of even the most disorganized disasters. Those days are long gone, and I’ve grown to rely on my calendar, my moleskine notebook, and my very organized husband to keep me together. I’ve also discovered that keeping a neat house is much more challenging when you have two little bears in your wake turning over the bins you fill and knocking over your piles of laundry. If you’re not quick enough, the messes you tend to remain whether you’ve tended them or not. Some days I just leave them, knowing that my energy and sanity are better conserved.

In terms of home-life, I want something more…or something different than what I’ve been able to cultivate thus far. I still maintain that perfection is not my goal (whew), and ‘doing better’ isn’t my game. I’m not trying to get a trophy or a badge for my hard work, and I’m not interested in looking any more put together than I actually am. Appearances mean very little to me these days. I suppose that is why I am showered and fully dressed only a few days a week. Ha. But in my soul-searching, I have discovered new desire to become truly orderly, truly focused, so that my days are filled with purpose, joy, and intentional investment in the atmosphere my family grows in. I’m believing there have got to be a few ways I could change the dynamic around here so we’re all a bit more settled in our space, and a bit more focused on the values we have been adopting for our family and child-rearing.

I’m convinced that so much of it begins with me and the status of my heart…so I am tossing out the notion that order will just happen its way into our home. I will be intentional about ordering my time so I can be well-rested and give myself the space needed to create new household habits that will better serve my family. If I can cut out the wasted time, I’m certain days will suddenly become long enough to accomplish all that needs to be done…chores, fun, child-training, Bible-learning, cooking and so on. So, my heart, lets take a deep breath and begin!

Confidence

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

A simple reflection. Psalm 138. It is easy to complain, and much more challenging to give thanks in the midst of trouble. Worry takes over, and the truth I cling to suddenly seems distant. But I will give You thanks with all my heart, God. You regard the lowly, and although I claim no virtue of humility within me, I am truly low, so please be near. When I am tempted to lament over all that I do not have, or all that I have failed to do, please remind me that You are the Giver of all things, and I am truly richer than I know. Before all else, give me a generous heart and a teachable spirit. Give me eyes to see the world (and especially my own circumstance) in Your economy…that less is more, and small is grand.  I lack nothing for the work You presently call me to. The stress I feel is not a symptom of surrender…its a sneaky way to chip away my confidence in You. But I’ve been here before. I have been low, and I have been needy. And on the day I called, You answered me. You made me bold with strength in my soul. You revived me from my troublesome times and led me to embrace Your lovingkindness, however counterintuitive it seemed at times. I know that You care about what concerns me, but it is clear Your solutions look different than mine. Yours are exciting and unexpected, and though it feels like they can’t come soon enough, You are never late. What worry need I have?  You are the soil beneath and the sun above, and the water that quenches my thirst. I will give thanks to You with all my heart and be confident that You will care for me.

The Press

Sunday, May 3rd, 2009

Into the press you’ll go…pressure squeezing you into spaces you thought you’d never fit; requiring you to surrender spaces you never wanted to. Uncomfortable and seemingly against your will, except you signed up for this before you really knew what it would mean for you. Of course then it seemed like a gleaming path of glory and goodness. It only took a few knocks for you to realize that not everything is as it seems. The simple things really aren’t that easy, and the glory isn’t quite like you dreamed it to be. The reversal is the wrench of the journey, and quite honestly, the bitterness of loss is not what you might have chosen had you known just how much it would hurt. But then, even in the absence of comfort, the pain does not smother you. It pulses through, over and over and over, but it will not stop your heart’s beating. Even in the darkness, light shines on you. It shines in you…because you turned down the opportunity to let pride be your ruler. Oh heart, you have chosen wisely. For though you go into the press to join in the story of your Savior, and though you suffer and sacrifice more than you ever thought possible, the glory and goodness you were promised will forever be yours. Out of the press you will flow with wounds healed and hope renewed, the oil of gladness that never could have been if you’d chosen a different way. Take heart and look up. Hope is not lost.