Lions and Wings

Thursday, April 23rd, 2009

They don’t usually go together, but in this case, they’re a package deal. In one little bundle they came…not a lion with wings (although we might one day see that), but a lion and wings. Two spectacular gifts in one unlikely package for an unsuspecting mother. I had no idea what this twist in my motherhood journey would bring, but I could never have expected it to be so wonderful.

I gave birth to my son just days before my own twenty-fifth birthday, and he really is the best birthday present I’ve ever received. What a meaningful way to celebrate a quarter of a century. We did find out before his birth that we were expecting a boy, but it wasn’t until he arrived that I began to discover what mothering a son would really teach me…add to me…give to me. I had always envisioned myself as a mother of girls–probably because males have always seemed like foreign creatures to me, and I much better liked the thought of having offspring I could relate to, cry with, gab with, and generally ooze in and out the goodness of God, life, love, and the like. I think I envisioned it that way more because I was intimidated by the thought of raising a godly son than really wanting all girls. It seems we all think we know what will resonate with us before we’ve even heard the tone, and are surprised when it is so different than we expect.

Mothering a son is like that for me. I never especially wanted to have a boy, but that is only because I never really understood what blessing comes in that relationship, and what irreplaceable lessons God would teach me through him. He is only a year old, but make no mistake, he loves fiercely. I see in him the beginnings of a lion-hearted man who is both wild and focused. Although I am not personally able to bestow masculinity to him, I am committed to doing all I can to nurture him to that end–by loving him unconditionally and by not standing in the way when his earthly father and heavenly Father show him the way of truth, honor, and love as it relates to manhood.

I’ve mentioned before that each of my children have added something to my life that I am certain would otherwise be missing, and in a recent entry, I referenced that my son has given me, “purpose and a greater trust in God, a learning how to give my cares away to the One who carries them to the farthest corner of the universe.” It is in this way, I feel he has given me wings. Wings to shake off my former life of self-centeredness, and freedom to surrender all my worries, cares, and burdens to Jesus. There’s no way I could single-handedly raise this boy to be a warrior for truth….and no way I can deal with the challenges and worries along the way all by myself. It is very freeing to trust God, although I will say, it is not always easy to. I guess thats why the wings came with the lion-cub.

Sometimes there aren’t words for the way you love someone. I am probably a bit more articulate about the way I love my daughter, and although I love them both just as much, I love them differently in the ways that little boys and girls are simply different. I’m still figuring out the blessings and challenges of being a mother to a young boy, and although I’m bumbling through fine so far, I know there is much to learn and much to surrender in years to come. For now, I’m content to have these early years with him to cultivate the tenderness of his heart before the danger takes over. Today I watched his first confident steps all the way across our living room, and although the steps themselves are small, my vision for where he’s leaping to in the years to come is not small at all. Thank you, God, for such a beautiful boy.

Collisions

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009

I don’t like them. I don’t think many people who do. Unless you’re a four-year-old boy crashing Tonka trucks, I don’t recommend planning a collision for your day. I never plan them, but they always seem to happen when I’m pregnant. In fact, I have now had one accident to correspond with each of my pregnancies. Weeks ago, my husband and I discussed how careful I must be so we don’t continue the pattern, because truth is, I have been extremely fortunate that every accident has been relatively minor, even though #2 did happen on the freeway. Well, today was my fateful day. I would like to report that I am not hurt, and none of my children are either. I would also like to report that this collision was in no way my fault…a fact that makes the whole situation only slightly better. Still, if I could rewind the day and avoid it, I would do it.

I took the kids over to a friend’s house for a morning of play and conversation. We were preparing to leave and I was getting the little people strapped into their seats. My daughter was in hers, and I was on the street-side bent over and buckling in my son when out of the blue, our rear passenger door was struck by a knucklehead pizza delivery person. I say knucklehead because the road was certainly wide enough for him to clear me with ease, but instead, this unfortunate collision happened. The door was badly mangled and would not shut, and I was a bit shaken that had the driver been 6 inches to the right, he would have hit my physical body. What’s more, my head started spinning with all the other ‘what-ifs’ that never do a pregnant mommy good. I had to shake it off and take care of business all in the same breath. My friend graciously retrieved my children and took them back into the house while I took pictures of the damage and got all the necessary information. I was really shaken, and of course called my husband for the checklist of things I needed to take care of (since I wasn’t too confident in my memory at that moment) and he came as quickly as he could.

For a collision day, things have turned out as well as they can. Only cars are damaged, and not any people, which is the best one can hope for in this situation. I’ve had all sorts of feelings through the day, from the initial shock, to adrenaline rush, to protective-mommy, to feeling rather defeated that I couldn’t put an end to this cycle, even though this was not my fault. I write about it now in hopes of clearing my mind of it, and finding the complete peace that several friends have been praying for me today. Thanks–you know who you are! I’ve never been more thankful to be only steps away from a friend’s house during such a jarring experience…haha. I’m so funny. Anyway. I’m more than thankful for our well-being, and a little amused that our auto-body shop knows us by our first names. At least they’re quality guys! They’ve fixed us up more than once. So, collision behind us, I guess we can expect the rest of this pregnancy to be uneventful in all the best ways. Help us Jesus!

Cleaning Hour

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

My biggest hangup for household chores is getting up and starting. So, to begin establishing a habit of cleanliness (since that responsibility is mine), I have incorporated Cleaning Hour into my daily weekday routine. I can’t say I succeed every day of the week, but perfection is not my goal, and I’ve made so much improvement in recent months, ain’t nobody around here complaining. Besides, with faithfulness you must also have grace, and I am finding it easier to have grace for myself now that so many little people are counting on me to be super-mom. Sometimes being super-mom means foregoing the household duties to sit down and play with your preschoolers, so I’m doing my best to do both.

Anyway, back to Cleaning Hour. This is what I’ve found works well for me. First, all the little people get changed, fed breakfast, kissed and tickled, and then they are gated into their room for their own daily hour of independent play. My kids are great at this, and usually have a ball during that time all to themselves. Sometimes they play alone on opposite sides of the room, sometimes they play together and giggle their heads off. I can easily see them from the kitchen, and with the exception of the occasional squabble, they do quite well. I turn some music up and get going. I find I can get so much done when the kids are not directly under my feet…although, sometimes I have my two year old help me with tasks like picking up all the things on the floor and putting them on the couch, sorting laundry from toys, and putting away silverware. I commit myself to a full hour of hustle, sometimes with a priority list in hand if I’m doing some cleaning that extends beyond the main living area and kitchen.

I’m not always done by the end of the hour (although, often I am!) but when I’m up to it, I just continue on until I’m tired or the kids are quite done in their room. Even when I have completed my hour and the chores are not completely done, I feel quite accomplished, because we go into lunch and naptime with a pretty tidy space, and I feel much less overwhelmed for our occasional afternoon cleaning time (which is usually not an hour). Anyway, thats my system, and so far, its been working well.

What is your household cleaning routine? I’m up for new ideas!

The Toddler Bride

Monday, April 20th, 2009

I mentioned our visit to Northern California was to see friends and attend a wedding. We arrived early to the wedding site to see who we could find, and it was a lovely outdoor scene with an arch and beautiful landscaping. As family members and friends trickled in, I started saying my hellos and how-are-yas. My two-and-a-half year old toddler was galloping around looking for flowers to sniff and people to size up. She’s a curious sort, and sitting still is not something she does often. A friend of mine stuck close to her so she didn’t run a muck with the decorations or wander toward the gated hotel pool, and I had a few minutes without my eyes on her. Some moments later I looked up to see her standing up on the altar, under the arch, swishing her dress back and forth and looking hopelessly beautiful in the preschool sort of way. There was no cinematic music or especially significant quality to the moment, but I took a double-take and in an instant was choking back tears.

Time goes so fast, and although I’m pleased to have experienced nearly every moment of her life with her, I know it will not always be like this. Being the mother of little ones, I’ve come to learn that while some things are incredibly challenging to juggle when you’re responsible for full-time kid care, there are no times more simple than these. I have the power to create a loving and safe space wherein she can discover herself and the truth of God. I can guide her and protect her from harm. I am her audience as her imagination and creativity unfold, and I am her confidant as she learns how to express herself and process the world around her. This is an honor, and a tremendous gift to me. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, diapers and tantrums included. But seeing her there, swishing her dress like a bride would on her wedding day, I feel like I have to prepare myself to nurture her toward a life that will ultimately not involve me the way it does now. Even now, I have to surrender what I might want for myself to do whatever God asks me to do to prepare her for all that He has for her in years ahead.

Maybe it wasn’t a cinematic moment, but it was certainly a defining moment for me. A reminder that she is not mine, and my agenda for parenting just won’t do. Every day, I want to be taking direction from the One who created her, because He knows what she needs, where she’ll go, the dreams she’ll realize and the impact she will make on the world.

Traveling Heart

Monday, April 20th, 2009

For all the comfort I find in being home in my own space, I am amazed at what reflections and experiences come to me when I venture out. As I mentioned in the previous post, we had a family adventure this last weekend. We traveled in the car about 8 hours north of home (with our one year old and two-and-a-half year old). It was more-or-less a spontaneous decision to go, and I wasn’t sure how much fun it would actually be, but I underestimated how wonderful and flexible our children have become. While the drive was very long, they did superbly well, and we ended up having a terrific time.

Not more than 100 miles out of Los Angeles, and my heart was already pulsating with new thoughts and new horizons. I love it when inspiration comes and the problem is more about how to capture it than how to find it in the first place. I held my husband’s hand for the longest uninterrupted stretch in a while, and it was nice to talk about everything and nothing while our hearts and bodies traveled farther and farther away from home. Our daughter was captivated with the ‘farms’ we saw along the way…the expansive fields with cows in them, but after some time we determined that it wasn’t really a farm unless it had a barn. A barn and cows, I think is what she decided. The farther we went, the more I could feel the gritty stress of city life melting away, and new perspective creeping in. I love it when my ‘world’ becomes larger; when my eyes see more than what they could before. I love the uncomfortable space of exploration, when you don’t really know what the next thing holds. I mean, I’m terrified of it too, at times, but I do think its amazing to step into the thrill of adventure.

Since we hadn’t planned ahead for this trip, we had an obvious need to stick to a budget, so we opted for staying in a cabin at a KOA instead of booking a hotel room. Our daughter started affectionately calling it our “camping home,” and even now, wants to go back. It was a cute little one-room cabin with beds for 4. One double bed and two bunks. It was certainly not back-woods camping, but it was nice to be out of the bustle and in a new and less-complicated space together as a family. The kids soon discovered they could crawl under the beds and had a ball chasing each other all around the cabin floor. I could see the excitement and wonder in their eyes. The next day, we visited the pond where a mama-duck led around about 15 tiny baby ducks. That was another hit. There was also a flock of wild geese that took over a grassy-patch nearby, and it was nice to be able to show the kids up close.

I can’t say it was incredibly fun to trek to the restroom in the middle of the night, and I didn’t really sleep very well with my pregnancy aches, but overall, it was a delightful trip. We attended a wedding while there, but I’ll have more on that later. For now, since my kids are soundly sleeping, I think I’ll go have a nap myself!

Diminish Not

Sunday, April 19th, 2009

I’m bursting to write about so many things from this last weekend, and it would probably make sense to take the chronological approach, but I tend to go with an order that best fits my inspiration, so we’ll start with the meaty stuff first and work backwards. The very short version: My family and I hopped in the car for a spontaneous trip to Northern California for two days, and we had all kinds of fun! While there, we were blessed to see some of our dear far-away friends, and as it goes with me and friends, a meaningful and important conversation took place. It’s particulars are not incredibly important, but conclusions resulting from it are still resonating with me a day later. We discussed some hangups we run into in life, and why those pesky little things keep us from really answering God’s call on our lives and how they keep us from cultivating dreams and passions that will further establish God’s mission to bless the world through us. Like I said…this is the meaty stuff, so if you’re not ready to dig in a little, you may want to wait for my follow-ups on the trip later this week.

I’m so fascinated by this subject, because while I do believe we have the freedom to go any way we choose, I also think we are created with strengths and gifts that lend themselves to a calling or some callings that God designed long before we developed our own ideas and plans for our life path. I see some people who know their strengths and run from them, some who have an inkling of their strengths and struggle to live in them, some who don’t know what their strengths are at all, and very few who are living in an empowered space of clarity and commitment–utilizing every bit of what they’ve been given in strength and circumstance. I also see a prevalent trend among people, or shall I say, women: the unfortunate propensity to hide their little light under a bushel instead of fanning it into a consuming bonfire. Insecurities seem to speak louder than the life-giving Word of God, and though the reasons may be different, all of us seem to find ways diminish ourselves and the value we have in God’s eyes.

Examples? Where do I start? I, for one, often feel like the emotional freak in the room. I’m so easily moved by people, their stories and struggles, and I’m often the first to be in tears during a touching moment or a devastating loss…even ones that are not my own. I feel deeply and love much, which you would think would be a great big blessing. But I constantly find myself hesitating and hanging back….when I want to be lavishing love and fighting for those who need to be fought for, I find my comfy corner and stay in the shadows. I’m not sure what I’m really trying to protect, but I can say, I’ve grown disgusted of worrying that I’ll be seen in this way or that if I, in fact, follow the leading in my heart to reach out and love much. I spend far too much energy keeping my little light contained so I don’t get hurt, so I can groom people’s perception of me (ha! who am I kidding?), so I don’t offer more in friendship than someone expects and I am effectively safe under my bushel. In the struggle to overcome insecurities, do we not see that we willingly subject ourselves to a form of bondage that God never intended?

He is Glory. We are made in His image. Glory is what He intended for us, and we’re so quick to diminish it, in the name of our wounds or our ‘humility’. But do you know who you are? Do you know how valuable you are to Him? You are a jewel! And you have no idea how brightly you were intended to shine.

In what ways do you diminish yourself? I pray courage for you who need to hear the truth about your worth. Sometimes its scary to shake off the ugly lies that you are unwanted, unlovely, untalented, unattractive, uninteresting, unimportant….slow, inadequate, overweight, emotional…you know…all those things you hear that make you want to shrink back instead of stand tall because its deceptively comfortable to hang back in the shadows. It is hard to make the jump to believing that you are wanted, lovely, talented, attractive, interesting, and important. But diminish not the beauty that God has masterfully crafted in you, unique one. He didn’t make you to fit a human-mold of what is desirable. You are desirable to Him just as you are, and I hope you’ll find a trash can for that bushel thats been hanging over you. Shine bright, little light, and let all the world see the Glory of the One who created you.

Overcoming the Grumpies

Thursday, April 16th, 2009

It’s no secret I’m not a morning person. It takes me a good few hours to really come to in the morning…and if you catch me before that time, I make no guarantees that I will be cordial or that I will even respond. My sleep-stupor is something I’ve  battled for years, and I haven’t yet figured out just how to loosen the grip the grumpies have on me. Yet, becoming a mama, you get less room to conduct your affairs just how you please, because there are these little faces that come to your bedside and stare you awake…or poke you awake…or shout you awake. There’s no telling just what you’ll get on any given morning. This week, however, our little ones have slept in a smidge longer (oh the blessing) and are delightfully cheerful when they wake. Makes it tough to stay grumpy! We’ve made a habit of all piling into our big bed and having morning cuddles, tickles, and odd toddler conversations. Even the youngest has taken to babbling with inflection in such a way that even if you have no idea what he’s talking about, you know he means it…you know when he’s making a statement and asking a question. I can’t say my grumpies will be gone from this day forward, but with all my heart, I want to be a cheerful riser with joyfulness bubbling out of me even before I know what day it is. Maybe these little ones will share the secret with me.

Simple Things

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

Some of the simple things I love:

1. Sleepy children want nothing more than to cuddle into me and just stay put for a while.
2. When my husband gets excited about something…usually something nerdy…and can’t contain himself.
3. Phonecalls from far-away friends, especially the unexpected ones. I feel energized afterward.
4. Crunchy things, especially of the savory sort.
5. Discovering things I thought I lost.
6. Baby Feet. Toddler ones are cute too.
7. Pretty paper. I usually opt for the economical stationary, but the pretty papers call to me.
8. The smell of sweet things cooking in the oven.
9. Flat shoes. I’m just not a heels girl.
10. Taking a hot shower before bed. I like the tingling feeling on my skin as I slip into the sheets.
11. Sitting in the passenger seat. Driving in L.A. stresses me out.
12. When my house is delightfully clean.
13. Singing at the top of my lungs. I know my neighbors hear me, but I don’t care.
14. I like arriving at places. I don’t always like getting there, but its always a relief to park or get off a plane to meet smiling faces.
15. Morning kid-cuddles. I especially like the attack-baby kind.
16. Listening to my daughter sing random syllables when she doesn’t know the words to a song.
17. Randomness. Some think I’m far too practical for it, but I do love it.
18. Things that make me think. Especially really simple things.
19. The hugs my husband gives me that linger for a long time. I call them, “Disappearing Hugs.”
20. Reflecting. Connecting. Growing.
21. Discovering new things about people I know well.
22. Thoughtful gifts and gestures. Especially handmade/homemade ones.
23. Hearty baby chuckles.
24. A refreshing glass of water.
25. Curling up in a cozy blanket. Most preferably with a friend and a cup of hot chocolate (with marshmallows).
26. Squealing kids when the daddy tickle monster comes home.
27. Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs, Hearts, Trees, etc. Do they do pumpkins at halloween?
28. Googling stuff I want to know about.
29. Finding new music that speaks to my soul.
30. Bargain finds.
31. Sleeping in.
32. Reconciling and rebuilding relationships. I don’t like breaking them in the first place, but the reconciliation is wonderful.
33. Hearing tales of overcomers.
34. Making lists. Without them, I would be lost.
35. People who make stress disappear. I need help with that sometimes.
36. Familiarity. It’s nice to know and be known.
37. When my daughter plays “princess” and “superhero”…both involve the same costume–a blanket tied around her.
38. Seeing people smile. Especially when I know they’re going through hard things.
39. Optimism.
40. Painting. I’m no good at it, but I still like it.
41. Post-it notes. They’d be all over my house if it were up to me.
42. Ball-point pens that write smoothly. These are especially handy for my lists.
43. Witty humor. I’m not an easy egg to crack, but if you crack me, I’ll laugh until I cry.
44. Packages. Sending and receiving.
45. Comfy pants. I always change into some when I get home. They’re not always beautiful though!
46. Witnessing the creative genius of others.
47. Brave moments when I forget how insecure I am.
48. Exercising my heart. My body is another matter. One day maybe.
49. Strawberries. Real ones and Strawberry flavored anything really.
50. Jesus.

What are some of your favorite things? You don’t have to put 50 things if you don’t want to I don’t know how my list got so long so quickly!

Joys Renewed

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

Joy Arising is now brand new. Hooray! There was nothing wrong with the old look, but it certainly didn’t have the joyful orange of this new template. I must give thanks to my beloved husband for creating yet another beautiful website for me….If you don’t know us well, just know that he gives new websites to me much like other men give flowers to their wives….only I like the websites better! Thanks babe.

I’m turning over a new leaf. At least, I would like to think its a new leaf. I may be turning over the same leaf over and over, but this is the first time I see it all as I do presently. This leaf is named ‘joyfulness’ and I’m learning that joy has almost nothing to do with our circumstances and everything to do with our attitudes. My journey toward joy has not been sunny day after sunny day…but I see now that sunny days are not even a key ingredient in the kind of joyfulness that is springing up in my garden. I’ve still got the same challenges and the same problems to deal with, but I suddenly feel light when I clue in to the hope Jesus has for me on a daily basis.

I recently said goodbye to the restlessness of my heart, and I’d like to also say goodbye to the overwhelming heaviness that I’ve carried on my shoulders for as long as I can remember. It is a nameless heaviness that has masqueraded as my friend, but I think our relationship is done. It’s so over. Because until I bid farewell to it, this joy cannot be with me at all times. They don’t seem to exist well together. So goodbye heavy heart, and hello joyfulness!

I do hope you enjoy the new look, and hope you’ll be back to read more soon.

Ebb and Flow

Wednesday, April 8th, 2009

So its been a while since I’ve ducked in. The longest stretch since I started on this writing journey, so I’m a little anxious to get my groove back. I’m surprised I’ve had so many new readers find me…I do wish all ya’ll would leave some comments and let me get to know you a bit. After all, I am baring my soul here. Seems only fair.

Change is in the air…well…I guess its more in my heart than anywhere else. I’m going on 14 weeks gestation with my third child and something about this little bean is changing me. In fact, each little bean (when they were little beans) changed me in the months before their birth, each in their own special way. The first one introduced me to rest, joy, freedom and many other things that were not part of my former life of heaviness. The second one brought purpose and a greater trust in God, a learning how to give my cares away to the One who carries them to the farthest corner of the universe. The third….this is getting serious here. This little bean is giving me vision and motivation to see my eternal calling as a worshipper and intercessor, and my present calling to be fully engaged as a servant to my family. There is a stirring and longing for holiness in a space where I used to tend my ambitions. I can’t say I really understand yet, but I see it. Visionary me.

As with the lovely hormone imbalances that come with pregnancy, my emotions have been subject to the ebb and flow of all things. Overall, I am very well. Feeling very good and peaceful about the adventures ahead. I’m still very up and very down at times, but I think that happens with passionate ones. I don’t think I’d be myself if that were not happening to some degree. But steady me, O God, that I would be unwavering as I look heavenward, and faithful to the daily things You have put before me.

New things are coming to Joy Arising, and though the timing isn’t set, I do believe they’ll surface soon. Be a gem. Leave a comment.