Growing Up

Monday, November 3rd, 2008

I’m a quarter of a century old, a married mother of two, and a capable artist/dreamer who is always chasing a new challenge to grow, to learn, to find out what I’m really made of and how deep in to God’s heart I can go. People tell me I am mature beyond my years, an old soul. Some think I’m put together. That I’m super-mom, a domestic heroine, a brilliant talent. I don’t bother myself with it, but I would guess there are others out there who think less flattering things of me at times as well. For the most accurate assessment, maybe the best person to ask would be my husband! He gushes all kinds of wonderful about me, but he could set you straight about the domestic things (he does much of the housework, bless his heart), and he has had a front-row seat to my best (most theatrical) tantrums.

If you took a peek inside my mind, you’d see I feel much younger than I am. I’m secure in who I am, and am glad to be me, but I also often feel like I’m 15 and just learning how to do life as I go. This past year held many milestones for me. I filled my first prescription on my own. I became the mother of a second child. After more than three years of marriage, I’m finally learning how to cook some tasty dishes, and how to (at least attempt to) keep my household in shape. I still have trouble going to bed at a reasonable hour (like now) because I have the world on my mind, and haven’t yet discovered that sleep is a good and desirable thing. When I’m with other moms, I feel like the tagalong teenager who is just pretending to be a mom, but is really just the babysitter. When I’m with other artists, I feel like the wannabe whose art should be on the easel of a 5-year old. It’s hard to explain, because there are many ways in which I’m confident, but still so many insecurities holding me back from truly embracing myself as the woman I am becoming.

I’m not sure why I’m slow to realize that it has been a long while since I’ve been a child and that womanhood is not something that is measured by how one feels about themselves. In some ways, I think my children have helped me rediscover my lost (or greatly shortened) childhood, and that is one reason I feel younger than I am. The little girl that never felt quite free to express the deep things in her heart has now, in a manner of speaking, returned to an uncomplicated space where authenticity and freedom no longer feel like scary strangers. In other ways, I simply feel the uncertainty and anxiety of a girl who is just figuring it out as I go. I don’t really know what I’m doing, except that love comes first and Jesus is the way. I struggle with the commentary that comes in about how I ‘have it all together’, and must say to those of you who think so…Let’s have an honest chat. It is true that I’m currently happier than I have ever been in my life, and my home is a peaceful place, but my journey has not always been a smooth one, and I have a very present struggle to order my life before it orders me. 

As mentioned, the most tangible of my challenges is learning the domestic skills that do not come naturally to me. Ask my husband or any of my dear college roommates, and they will tell you that keeping a clean space is not something I am usually successful at. At least that is my record. My husband is often ‘amazed’ (that’s his term) at how big a mess I can make in the kitchen. Really, I just don’t tackle messes the same way he does. He’ll clean as he goes (which is awesome!), and I….well I mess until I’m done messing, and then I’ll clean until I’m done cleaning, which is a much slower process than if I were to clean as I go. Not to mention, that process is often interrupted, and the cleaning phase gets postponed until another time. In my own defense, inner peace is still relatively new to me, and in my days of inner turmoil there was no extra energy to spend keeping a tidy space. I was too busy trying to keep my head above the waves. That’s how I prefer to explain my under-developed domestic skills. But now that a new season has come, I have committed myself to learning this delicate art in a way that provides our family a space for loving, learning, and laughter. I’m still learning, but am happy to report steady progress in this area. 

I would venture to guess that everyone goes through a transitional period where they are not quite sure how to let go of old things and embrace new ones. For me, I’m currently learning how to embrace my grown-up self, without losing sight of the childlike heart I hope to have throughout my life. Like everything, this will take time, and I must be patient with myself.