Tiredness Aside

Saturday, October 25th, 2008

It often takes me hours to recognize that perhaps I’m not being productive at a given moment because I’m just very tired. Right now is one of those moments. I’m a little annoyed with myself because, if I can make a confession, my children have been sleeping soundly for the past few hours, and I’ve been wandering around my house like a lost nomad, unable to focus, unable to rest. I could have been snoozing on the couch. I could have been cleaning my kitchen from the mess I never got to, but no. I just flit from one thing to another, pause to space out, and find something silly to waste my time and ever-waning energy on. Well, this is my attempt to shake it off and break my self-inflicted silence of the past week. I have much I want to write about, but as I said above, am experiencing difficulty in focusing my thoughts. For those of you who are not privy to the admin side of this site, I’ll share that I’ve started 10+ topics that have yet to be published. Some have just a few lines, while others are really just waiting for me to wrap them up and tie a pretty bow on them. Mostly, I’m annoyed that I can’t wrangle my thoughts together and just make it happen. But I guess this is a moment to have a little grace for myself. There is so much going on in my heart and in the lives of those I love, not to mention in our beloved country, and I have been restless. Sometimes I hope that peace will just descend on me from heaven, but I have to remember that its up to me to go to Jesus instead of trying to hold the world, or even myself, together. And tiredness aside, now is not the time for wasting what energy I have…Choose rest, choose productivity, choose something. But don’t just waste time. 

I continue to struggle in my search for what balance looks like. My priorities are clear, and I do think I’m succeeding at keeping my priorities where they belong, but I still do not understand some fundamental disciplines of faith. Stillness, waiting on the Lord, rest (in the most authentic sense), and self-restraint are all things that elude me much of the time. For years, I thought ‘life in the fast lane’ was the only place to be. While I’m all for progress, forward-movement, and change, I confess that I have/had little understanding about just how much God does in the still, small place when we will quiet ourselves and just listen. Or what He does in our hearts during the time that we rest. I used to think that to sleep was to waste valuable time that something could be done. Now, not that I’ve unearthed all the wisdom to be found on this topic, I find myself craving that rest, and that heart-work that happens during it.

I’m still searching for a portal into the deep part of my heart that contains those things that I wish to write about but can’t quite say. But this time of reflection, however surface-skimming it is at times, helps me to slow down and prepare to rest. It gives me a place to sort out some of my wandering thoughts. I think that is why I often write before bed. I’m not altogether excited for what lies ahead for me regarding my writing, as I think more vulnerability and humility are on the horizon, but I am excited to discover what treasures God has waiting for me in that space of my soul. 

But for this moment. I choose rest. I will be rolling out more topics soon, hopefully, and am grateful for those of you who are following me on this journey. Please leave a note for me. Thanks.

Prayer for a Nation

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

I’m assuming most of you who are reading this live in the same country I do. You have likely been watching (and possibly feeling) the decline of the economy, the political scene, the unrest and anxiety of our fellow countrymen, and wonder what this next year will hold for us. There is enough out there about election issues and financial crisis, so I won’t waste my time going there. What is on my heart this morning is far more important than elections or stock markets…this morning I am gripped with a desire to see God pour out His Spirit on our land, on our leaders, on our children. This is a desperate hour for mankind, and our nation is at a moment of decision. Not for this candidate or that candidate, but a decision to yield our hearts to the Holy One to repent for the wickedness of our people, and seek redemption from the hand of He who is Justice and Goodness…Or a decision to continue furthering our lawlessness as we inch, or leap, away from the holiness God intends for us. Truly, this is not a partisan call for action, but a plea from a little voice that we dare ask for mercy and wisdom from the only One who can give it. Friends and readers, this is the time to still our hearts and seek the face of God together, putting aside our ideological and personal differences to pray aloud with one voice.

“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” 2 Chron. 7:14

We have no time to lose in our prayerful quest for repentance, renewing, and revival for our nation, which can only come at the hand of God. Every day, more people choose lawlessness, more babies are murdered, more children lose their innocence and opportunity for a bright future. More marriages fail, and more corrupt persons of influence take advantage of those in their charge. More families struggle to make ends meet, more hearts are broken at the unfolding of the most evil and insidious time in our nations history. Now is the time. People are confused, hurt, disillusioned, and devastated, and no political figure is equipped to reach our hearts and minds the way Jesus is. We need to draw near to His heart for strength, wisdom, repentance, and healing. Now is the time, through prayer, that we can affect change for the days ahead.

Lord please hear our desperate plea for mercy. The wickedness of our land truly offends You in unimaginable ways, and Your Justice and Judgement is swiftly coming. Please restrain Your anger at our lawlessness and reach into our hearts and restore us unto You. Silence the voices that bombard us from all sides and shield our eyes from evil, that we may be sensitive to Your leading as we navigate these troublesome times. Establish again a foundation for us that is not on the sand, but on the rock of Your Word and Your Righteousness. Let our leaders be characterized by humility and honesty, and informed by Your heart for our nation through the Holy Spirit. Forgive us for our lawlessness and teach us how to, in personal and practical ways, pursue holiness.

If you read my entries on this website, please leave comments. Respond with a prayer for our nation if you have one, or to something else that you might connect with. I urge you to become part of this conversation, as your perspective and voice is valuable. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and please, take time to pray further for our nation and our people. 

God bless America.

Playground Lessons: Conquering Fear

Sunday, October 12th, 2008

Yesterday marked a strangely huge milestone for me. I took my family to the park to play while I took headshots of a nice real estate agent for her new business cards. She showed up about forty minutes late for her session, so I spent the time with the fam discovering new freedom on the playground. Since she was a wee little one, my daughter has despised the swing. Well, outside swings anyway. She loved her little baby-swing in her earliest months. But as soon as she sat in a child’s swing out of doors, she immediately panicked and screamed with fear. No amount of coaxing or holding her on laps could convince her that a swing was for fun, not toddler torture. I admit, I felt a small amount of anxiety knowing that she was fearful of this simple activity as I watched other kids her age having the time of their lives as they swung to the atmosphere and back again. I have been a fear-driven person for many years of my life, and the last thing I want to do is pass on fearfulness or insecurity to my precious babe. Never wanting to push her, I’ve always offered the swing to her, and tried a few rotations with her on my lap, but had no success in alleviating her concerns. I wasn’t losing sleep over it, but I did often think about the questions, “How can I help her conquer her fear?” and “What fears have I been holding on to that I could overcome?” 

On an encouraging note, my fearful heart has been steadily gaining ground in recent years, seeing through the deception of fear. Seeing that fear, although a very real and formidable feeling, is often only a ploy by the evil one to rob us of life and joy, spiritual/emotional/physical health, trust in God and others, and many other things. Fear deceives you into assuming a victims role, while God waits patiently for you to recognize that He really does have all authority, and in Him is freedom from our fears. I never really understood the scripture “Perfect love casts out all fear” (I John 4:18) until I understood in greater measure how good our God is. It wasn’t until I began to discover His justice, His compassion, and His personal care for little me that I was able to bid farewell to so many of my fears.  

My quirky (but obviously not genius) observation that women are in search of security, a safe place, a haven never encompassed the toddler facet. Sure, I know that my daughter needs security in order to grow up well-adjusted and free of the fear I felt as a child, but I didn’t put two and two together with this whole swinging business. It seemed so small, yet so big, and even almost a little silly that she really didn’t want to have anything to do with that swing for so long. I didn’t really care about the swinging, I just didn’t want my baby to spend her life fearing something she needn’t. Yesterday I learned a very valuable lesson from her. It is simple, but important, and I hope I never forget it as I continue on this parenting journey. 

Yesterday she taught me that fears are conquered when we are ready to conquer them. In our own time, when we have weighed the risks and tasted the freedom, we can face our fears head on and smash them. A week ago, while visiting a family who had their very own swing-set (toddler sized!), she spent some of her time testing that swing. Tummy down, with all caution and investigation, she gave that swing the once-over (or 20 times over) to see that it really was a vessel of fun, not an instrument of fear. She didn’t really “swing”, but she started putting the pieces together. When we showed up to the park yesterday, she immediately asked for the swing. We found the baby-swings, plopped her in, and carefully gave her small pushes, all the while checking for her comfort level. “More pushing, Mommy,” she said with an excited smile. Yes. My heart smiled in a new special way. Seeing my daughter reaching for freedom and fun rather than shrinking in fear was a remarkable moment for me. I loved watching her face as she’d reach the top of her swing and feel the moment of falling back…it was a quizzical look, like, “wow, this is interesting and fun.” My heart swells with thanksgiving and wonder as I think of it now. I’m sure there are more days (and lessons) like this ahead, and I’m thankful that children are such a window into the heart of God. For the record, she didn’t want to stop swinging, even after a full hour of it. What a victory. Guess we’ll have to be doing some more of that! I’m off to ponder what fears I can let go of today. Thanks be to God.