Promise Number One

Tuesday, June 10th, 2008

I’ve always felt a little strange in my skin. I’m not sure if it is because I really am a different duck, or if the longing God has put in my heart for wholeness and unity with Him has simply required me to always be less than comfortable with the status quo to compel me to move forward through every kind of trial I’ve faced. For sure, I have not suffered as many others suffer, without food or shelter, without safety or certainty, but I have felt the bitterness of loss, the sorrow of sin, the brokenness of humility, and the anger of God against injustice and untruth. Let me be upfront in stating hardships cannot possibly be compared, because no matter what your experience, the pain you feel is real to you, and the peace that passes all understanding can be real to you as well. My longing for the fullness of the promises of God is the very reason I’m compelled to write now…I believe they are for me and you, for anyone who wants them and has the courage to pursue the heart of God. 

I’m a little intimidated to really begin writing on this blog. Give me a little blue couch, a cozy blanket, and a friend to talk to, and I’ll tell you anything without thinking about it. Broadcast the particulars of my intensely personal journey to wholeness for the nameless, faceless world to see–that’s a tough one for me. Still, I will make every effort to authentically and honestly reflect on the deepest experiences of my life to hopefully encourage your heart and glorify God. Like I mentioned already, it is from a less than comfortable place that God has healed my broken heart, and it makes sense I’d have to return to that place to share my story with you. This is my soul’s journey through faith, tragedy, healing, and love. I’m sure there will be many references to those close to my heart, but I will say in advance, for the authenticity of this reflection I will not be leaving out parts that might be uncomfortable for them. To those dearly loved ones, please know my heart is only to promote still more healing in all of us. To those who join me on this journey, I ask you to withhold judgement as you read. Instead, let your heart be impacted by this tale of restoration. 

Numbering the promises of God might get me into hot water within time, but I choose to number them now only to begin outlining this story I keep skirting around…Can you tell I’m nervous about this? Maybe the best way to start is to go straight to take you straight to the moment of decision, at my very lowest point, when God met me in a sea of tears and handed me quite possibly the most life-altering promise imaginable. I was sixteen, estranged from my immediate family due to my parent’s very recent divorce, and sitting out under the stars 2000 miles from my home. My youth group made the trek down to Southern California from Central Oregon for a youth ministry training program. We had arrived that afternoon, and together attended the first evening worship set. I sobbed the whole time. Very few people knew what had really been going on at home, and I’d put on a fairly strong front for months. Not this night. This was the first of many nights I would be keeper of the kleenex box (since I was the one who used the most!). Somehow on this night, I encountered God in a way that permanently altered my life-course. After the evenings events, we sat together outside a building on the Vanguard College campus and debriefed, sharing about what God was doing in our lives. I was a furious mess of brokenness, anger, confusion, and many other things I couldn’t possibly describe. I felt as though I would never have a joyful, peaceful, purposeful life because all I had known and put my hope in had been taken from me. But on this night God whispered to my heart, ‘Emily, if you will give your whole self to me, if you will courageously go where I lead you, if you will humbly listen to me, then I will make you whole. I will give you joy and hope. I will give you transformation like you have never seen.’ More tears. I’m sure my peers were very confused. Still, I decided that this promise was my only hope of survival. So I said yes with all that I had. ‘Take me where you will, and lead me on this path to wholeness.’ Little did I know that He actually would, even when I tried to change my mind a few times over the years. This was a sealed deal. 

This is likely a topic for an entire book, or at least, another entry, but I’ll mention that my first step forward was themed around Forgiveness. It was in that season of my life that I learned forgiveness is not something you feel toward others who have wronged you. It is something that you choose to do. That week, I started by choosing to forgive my parents for the heartache they had brought to our family as a result of their divorce. I’ll expand on that journey later, but let me say choosing to forgive them was quite possibly the toughest choice I had ever made, but as I look at it now, it is the smartest choice I have ever made.

“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.”  2 Chron. 7:14

Dominoes

Friday, June 6th, 2008

Thanks for taking a moment to stop by this new blog – home of what will hopefully become an inspirational resource for anyone who struggles to see beyond their circumstances. For those who know me, this may seem like just another wacky idea I’ve cooked up (since my visionary brain doesn’t seem to pause for rest too often) that will pass when the next idea comes along. In truth, I have no idea what this will become, nor do I know how long before this ride stops. I do know that I absolutely have to begin to document the journey God has brought me on during my 25 years on earth in hopes that each entry will be like a domino; moving the hearts of others who have struggled to cling to God through hard times, and encouraging the hearts of those who struggle to cling to Him now. I’ll do my best to write, whether or not there is much feedback, but my hope is that if you are impacted by what you read, or you can relate to something, or you have bits of your own story that you’d like to share for your own healing and the edification of others…please leave comments, or send me an email! This is intended to be more a conversation than a private journal, all to the glory of God! Plus, I find it hard to stick to the business of writing my story, and I could use your help to draw it out of me.  

So here we go, friends. Join me on this adventure of exploring the depths of God’s heart through the hardship and suffering we all face in our lives. If you haven’t yet tasted His goodness, His faithfulness, and the all-consuming hope He can bring to even the most hopeless of people, stick around and you’ll be introduced. 

 ”We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” Romans 5:2b-5