Gratitude

Written on June 30, 2009 by emily

Like sunrise without ever a cloudy day
Let gratitude rise in my heart for all that I have, For all that You’ve done
My light burns that others might catch fire with the embers of gladness that come with a thankful heart

It matters not if I am overlooked or if I am last
Everything I do is for You, Because of You
I need no other reward than to be near to Your heart

Even the dredges of Your kingdom are a palace to me
The alleyways and treacherous trails of obedience a path to freedom

When I see You, there is no longing
There is nothing, no one more fulfilling
No one who brings more comfort and life in the midst of my circumstance

I want no reputation except that I love You before all other things
No blessing except what You would give to me
No provision except what You say that I need

I have no greater need than to behold You in Your glory
to be like You in Your humility, and to know the perfection of Your love

I may be a speck, but to You, a speck is as a diamond
You say I am everything, and You gave everything just so I could know

So even in my struggle, let me say thanks
For the struggle and the circumstance that finds me here
Sustained only by the words of Your mouth and the comfort of Your promise to never forsake me

1 Comment | Emily

June 21 – Starting Again

Written on June 21, 2009 by emily

Even when I’m not sure how to let go, I do like that things have an end. Of course, some moments are incredibly moving, and I might wish for a moment that it wouldn’t end, but when I really think about it, I am glad that it does. After all, not every moment is great, and its also nice that the hard moments have an end also. I like the beginning of things…beginning new calendar years and even just a new week. If there wasn’t an end to the year or week before, there would be no starting again. Last week was a good week in many ways. I continued to be relaxed about my June writing challenge (which is something I have to talk myself into, because really, I have those moments that I feel like a dweeb for missing a day or two). But grace seems to be hugging me tight, and I’ve decided there are better things to do with my time and energy than be critical of myself. Also, even though I didn’t quite know what to expect with the challenge to write every day, I’m seeing that even when I don’t have my thoughts together when I sit down to write, its ok to just start somewhere and go. I think in years passed, I edited myself before I could even formulate the thoughts. Just because the words weren’t eloquent, I put the lid on. All this time, I’ve known there is something brewing deep inside that will come out through my writing, but I’ve not been able to go there. It was like some other hand had a hold on my pen, and I was really not free to write what I wished. This blog has provided me a space to uncork the bottle and just start going for it.

June is coming to an end soon. Ok. So there’s more than a week left. But I am always thinking about what the next step is. I think the next step for me will be to withdraw from this public forum and do some intensive writing in a new zone. I may still write some of my randomness and day to day stuff here, but I know I’m reaching a point where the deeper things that have been percolating in me are ready to spring forth. Even though I may not be sharing that stuff for a while, I could use your encouragement.

1 Comment | Emily

June 18 – Freezing Time

Written on June 18, 2009 by emily

Sometimes it would be nice to freeze time. I’m all for progress and change, when its ordained by God, but sometimes it is hard to wrap my mind around just how quickly things are changing. We’ll always have our memories…well…for as long as one might have their memory…but memories aren’t the same  as moments when you’re in them. In moments, you feel skin. You hear voices. The people you love are tangible, and the essence of who they are in that moment are as real as anything else. With memories, the details are a little bit fuzzier, and the loved ones are a little more distant. I guess in a manner of speaking, I mean to say that memories can’t compare with moments, and sometimes we’re a little too busy to recognize how fleeting the moments are.

I’m very aware of the momentary nature of the season I’m in. My children are young, delightfully round and roly-poly despite their growing toddler bodies. They’re curious and joyful, and interested in the simplest things. They’re full of love, and know nothing of censoring themselves. I hear curious questions about noses and boobies and doggies and babies. I love that there is a time in life that no concern must be paid to social norms or expectations, and in the years of innocence there is freedom unlike any other. I love the contrast of naivety of youth and the wisdom of age. And although I feel a few more steps into wisdom than maybe others my age are, my children take me back to that carefree place where life isn’t about calculating and strategizing…discerning and being overly aware of the evils of this age. I love to be reminded that purity of heart and purity of mind really is more beautiful than stature or station.

There is obviously a time to grow up, and little ones couldn’t be little if it weren’t for the older ones who went before. Little ones wouldn’t be safe to explore the world in the way they do if someone else weren’t guarding and guiding them. I’m quite honored to now be in that place for my children, but I believe the Lord would have me remember that even though I wear a mother’s hat inside my home…Inside His home I am a child. And there is a space in which He wants me to be free to ask and explore and love without reservation. There is a place in which I am loved no matter my faults or fears, and there is a safety and certainty that isn’t found on this side of heaven except in His arms.

Thats the beauty of surrendering to God. The complicated things become simple, and the freedom you thought you outgrew is still there in the quiet place where Jesus is calling to you. There is so much to discover in His love. Things that don’t always make sense to the sensible adult mind. But take my word for it. Goodness, take HIS word for it. There are riches beyond all the gold in the world, and each one of us have an open invitation to partake of them.

Still, I might like to freeze time while my children are this age. I know that can’t happen, but I can raise them to hear the voice of their heavenly father, so hopefully even though they will grow into adults, they will be reminded regularly that childhood is not something you leave behind entirely. I’ll do my best to invest myself in all the moments I now have, so when these moments become memories I will have the joy of knowing I didn’t just skip over the time I had. Little ones, you fill my days with joy and blessing.

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June 16 – Sacred Space

Written on June 16, 2009 by emily

Home is a sacred space. It is for me, anyway. And I think home is intended to be so for everyone, although I know it doesn’t always work out like that. There are all kinds of reasons, and its easy to blame someone else if home is not really a place of peace, but as mothers…as parents…as couples, there is really no one else more responsible for what comes through the doors of your house.

I see some people shut themselves in. They come in from work or from whatever challenges they face in the world, bringing all their stresses and worries, bringing their sicknesses and sorrows with them. Sometimes its in the form of their attitudes, sometimes its in the form of stuff. Like a piggy-bank that is never emptied, only the stuff collected is not nearly as useful as a pile of coins. Soon the piles are so high that there is no room to breathe, and there is no space to work out the challenges of life with those you love. Everyone hides behind their own piles and problems, and the love that was once cultivated in the sacred space gets buried. Unfortunately, buried things don’t seem to live for long–unless they’re roots in the ground of fertile soil, but thats another discussion altogether.

Some people fling open the doors and invite every stranger in. Well, some are not strangers anymore, but the point is that the door never closes. All things from the outside are allowed in, and all things from the inside can be easily carried out because there is no one guarding the door. That means the treasures and lovely things too. Sure, the trash should go out, as well as the unneeded things so the aforementioned hoarding can be avoided. There are no piles to hide behind, but neither is there any safety for tender hearts to grow and be protected inside the walls of what should be a sanctuary. Forgive the strong language, but the sanctuary becomes something more like a brothel, and everything good and pure is consumed for the sake of serving the entire outside world. Intentions might be good, but intentions are not anything like actions, and action is required to divide what is welcome and what is not welcome in the sacred space. In fact, sometimes you might have to be more aggressive than you think to keep the uglies out. Sometimes those uglies come in on the backs of people you love dearly and feel some sense of obligation to. But no, discerning one. You must not let your loyalties dictate your choices. That is not the way of wisdom.

There is no obligation noble enough to override the responsibility to tend the door of your home. I’ll take it one step further, and say there is no obligation noble enough to require you to leave open the door of your heart to any passer-by. There is a time and a place for service and for giving to others. And I do believe both should be done generously and without expected gain…but all with wisdom and at the appropriate times.

We live in evil times. I will not live my life propelled by fear, but neither will I live without wisdom. Without wisdom, the lasting treasures cultivated in the sacred space we share with loved ones are easily trampled. That is why I am more committed than ever to guard my home like a sentinel. If the space in which you live is not a sanctuary where God is welcomed to do His healing and restorative work in your lives, you’re missing out on something terribly important. There is no house, no city, no lifestyle too important to cling to if the space in which you live is not a sanctuary.

So ask God to give you discerning eyes and ears. Though you may feel like a victim, or at least caught in a cycle that is outside your control, you have more authority than you realize. God is all-powerful and all-wise, and when He draws near to you–especially at your humble request, there is no telling what changes may come. Probably not easy ones, as thats not usually how things go, but the best things in life are not free. They may not cost money, but they do cost something. For me, I find my ego the most costly to surrender. But as I’ve learned to give it up in exchange for a new heart and perspective, I’ve seen my home turning into this peaceful place and sacred space of which I write. What will it cost you to make your home a sanctuary?

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June 15 – Contentment

Written on June 15, 2009 by emily

I think I’m learning. At least, I can say I am experiencing it in greater measure than I ever have before. There are still some stresses and some struggles, but at the heart of it, I have a deep sense of peace about the season I’m in and the season that’s coming. I think the real difference is, I see that every problem has a solution. Not all of them are easy, and not all of them unfold neatly like I’d hope, but there is not a problem I’ve faced yet that hasn’t had a solution. Some solutions are simple, and require very little effort. But some only come with sacrifice, patience, and perseverance. I find that the process to reach some solutions involves more growing in character than anything else, and even though those times are uncomfortable, I heartily welcome them.

I think back to one year ago. Two years ago. Three years ago. At each of those times, I may have handled the same problem very differently. And I’ll probably handle things differently as more years pass…but what I’m excited about is to see that where I once had voluminous amounts of unrest and anxiety, I now have voluminous amounts of joyfulness, purpose, and peace. And I’m still growing. I think it is important to take stock of our victories from time to time. Of course, I’ll attribute the credit to God for every victory in my life, but I did play a part, and I am still the one choosing to say yes to Him every day, so I think its important to see and understand that while I’m still in process, I’m a victor. It is easy to think very opposite things about yourself. After all, failures seem to pile up much quicker than victories, and if you measure your worth by your failures, you won’t be traveling in a positive direction. I’m learning to see my victories like stones across a wide wide river…each one is a step toward another stone, and now that I see all the stones behind me, I realize that I’m really in the middle of this wide, powerful, rushing river…right where I belong.

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:11b-13)

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June 14 – Grace

Written on June 14, 2009 by emily

So, apparently I needed to rest for a few days before sitting down to write again. Getting back on the horse always seems worse than it really is, so I’m just jumping in again as if I’d never stopped…I could be disappointed for not quite meeting my June challenge to write every day, but the truth is, I’m not disappointed, and I think writing the first eleven days without a break (even if some of those entries were less meaningful than others) is victory enough for me. Sometimes life just happens differently than you can plan, and with as full of activities and heart-stuff as these past few days have been, it really was in my best interest to just give myself a break on the writing front.

For all those achievers out there, I know how you struggle to feel like you’ve done enough in a day. Or struggle to believe that what you have done is worthwhile even if you didn’t accomplish your whole list. For you who are always looking to improve, I understand why. I’m on that circus ride often. But I just think there are times (ok, like way more times than we ever realize or admit)  that improvement doesn’t always happen with movement. Some improvement happens in the still times…in the restful times, when some voices would say you are lazy, but really, you are not lazy at all. Some of the best improvements are made in the times when you don’t lift a finger…when you just sit back, open your heart, and let Jesus do what He’s going to do.

And something I’ve been thinking about regarding grace–It’s so easy to see grace as a one-dimensional and sometimes oddly negative thing. The idea that God tolerates all our shortcomings and has grace for us in spite of our ugliness and irreverence sounds more like the feeling that surfaces when someone we don’t necessarily have any affection for bumbles their way into our lives…We find them annoying, but we put on a nice smile and do the ‘nice’ thing even though we really don’t have nice stuff in our hearts. I don’t think this is what grace is at all. First of all, I don’t think God ever puts on a fake smile. And I don’t think there is ever a time when God’s actions are not in-line with God’s heart. That would be a serious inconsistency.

So that means grace has to be something else. I think it is hard to accept that God does not see how we see. I know it took me a lot of years to realize that even my dearest, most like-minded friends see the world differently than I do. It’s beautiful and frustrating at the same time, because sometimes it is very difficult to understand how someone else sees things…or accept that they won’t see them like you do. But in regards to God and grace, it’s not about tolerance. It is about delight and interest and investment. He is invested in you. He is interested in you. He delights in you. And what you think of yourself is probably very very different than what He thinks of you. I know I’ve been trying to surrender the things in my mind, so that I can be renewed by God’s word…by His truth about who I am and who He is. I know this will be a continual process, but I’m starting by agreeing that really, diligence to a self-made schedule is not everything. Surrender to Jesus is everything, and even during these days that I have not written, He has been depositing beautiful things into my heart. Hopefully you’ll be reading more about them soon.

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June 11 – Rest

Written on June 11, 2009 by emily

So, I’ve sat and stared for a good half hour, and I simply have nothing to write except that I have nothing to write and I must rest. But being the stubborn girl that I am, I am writing something anyway, even if its just late-night ramblings of nearly nothing…I have a challenge to meet, to write every day in June, and I’m not about to let some wiped-out mommy thing get the best of me. I had a productive day. Housecleaning done. Friends entertained. Children tickled. Prayers prayed. Most days are not usually as full with bustle, but it feels good to exercise my domestic muscles. Although I’ll never be anything like Martha Stewart, I can see why women who keep their homes in similar condition to her feel pride in their work…I’m at peace knowing my bathrooms are freshly scrubbed, the clutter is all picked up, and when I wake up in the morning, I can do something other than a cleaning project. Now I think I’ll go rest myself and check in again tomorrow. Goodnight.

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June 10 – Silly, the Sequel

Written on June 10, 2009 by emily

So earlier I didn’t think I had something silly to write about. That was before dinner hour (or silly hour) hit at our house.

1) I was informed by my daughter that her belly button is an alligator….as she squished and stretched it all over–I assume to make it look more like an alligator?

2) Because she thinks she’s a grown-up, or at least a big girl, I have been giving her a paper towel of her own during dinner at her request. She ripped it in two pieces and the small side became her ‘dragon’. “Look at my dragon mama. He’s so cute.”

3) Shortly after dinner she put a dish towel on her head and squatted in the corner, telling me she was hiding from Daddy. “He come find me?”

4) Unfortunately she has a diaper rash (not mentioning that its totally about time to be using the big girl potty, but I digress) thanks to the strawberries consumed earlier this week and she has let us know that her “hiney is broken”. Aka, it hurts. I tried not to laugh, because really, I do feel bad for her.

Just when you think you don’t have silliness, it shows up in your 3 year old so your day has some silly spice in it.

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June 10 – Silly

Written on June 10, 2009 by emily

Today I intended to write a silly nonsense story for a friend. Oy. I don’t know if I have a silly story in me. Not an imaginative one anyway. I’m not really the silly type, truth be told. I’m usually the one who takes life a little too seriously, and although there is a silly side in there somewhere, it is often buried and really only comes out when I’m hopelessly tired and don’t know any better. I live on the dark side of the moon, or the deep end of the ocean…the place where cares and ponderings come before laughs and smiles…not because I mean for it to be that way, but because thats just what always comes first for me. Where aches seem closer than hugs, even though the aches are so much more distant than they once were.

There are whole years of time that are like a black hole to me. I don’t remember much that happened in them, and all I do remember is being emptied of my sorrows via bucketfuls of tears. I couldn’t look other people in the eye because if I did, the flood would begin again, even if I tried with all my might to keep it contained. That was the time that I couldn’t move…I couldn’t dance, and I couldn’t throw my head back in laughter. I was rigid and I did not know the sweetness of freedom.

That has changed in recent years. I dance often, especially with my daughter, and I laugh even more often than I dance. But even when God changes the trajectory of your story, you bring your past with you. I like to think that I’m only bringing with me what He intends me to keep–because aside from all the junk, there are plenty of treasures I’d rather not leave behind. I want to remember where I’ve come from. I want to cling to the habits formed in times of desperate need for Jesus…the habit of being honest about the struggles and the habit of being quick to surrender. I want to keep the habit of reaching out with open arms even when I don’t feel strong enough to hold someone else up…because really, its Jesus that does the holding, and I find when my arms are open, my heart is too, and He puts all kinds of lovely things there for me.

And since I promised just a little silliness, I will confess that even though I most often dance with my daughter, I sometimes dance just all by myself around my house, with a heart full of unexplainable excitement. I sing into whatever pretend (or real) microphone happens to be around, and I make up words to real or made-up songs. I am sometimes so happy that I cry into my pillow, and I sometimes wear my clothes inside-out (by accident) until someone else notices. I’m starting to think that maybe my heart is inside out and that’s why I can’t help but spill out all this sentimental stuff. I didn’t say it would be a funny story. And unfortunately silly for me is just…silly. Catch me when its two hours past my bedtime. Then I might be silly AND funny.

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June 9 – Ugly Duckling

Written on June 9, 2009 by emily

I see myself as a simple girl, not especially pretty, but full of compassion and concern for just about anyone who will let me care. I feel much like the ugly duckling, starting out ordinary and different from all the others, but am on my way to becoming a swan. I don’t much care if my ’swan-ness’ is something I ever see in the mirror, but hope that my heart  will one day be fully emptied of self in order to be fully filled by God so that I can accomplish great things on His behalf. When I’m filled with other things, there are great obstacles between what I do and what I wish to do.

Now I know that most of you reading probably won’t accept ‘ugly duckling’ as a way to describe me. I don’t blame you. It is a little more self-depreciating than I mean to be. But I have an affinity for the story of the ugly duckling, and see the ‘ugliness’ less like one might think of something truly ugly, and more like a necessary stage in the process of God making something beautiful. And the best part is, it doesn’t even really matter what you think because this is my story and I can tell it how I want. So I’ll stick with the terminology because it works for me.

In my twenty-six years, I’ve made a number of observations about people and perceptions. To start, people put a lot of effort into hiding their insecurities, and very few people have any grasp on a healthy view of themselves. I guess in some ways, I’m no different. I have many moments when I’d rather be veiled in mystery than to feel bare to the scrutiny of others. It is scary when someone else gets a glimpse inside where all my weirdness lives and multiplies. Yes, I’m weird. But I’d like to think I’m weird in the best way. Unique. Is that better?

I’m too tired to unfold this topic quite like I hoped, but what I really mean to say is, can’t it just be ok to be early in the process of being beautified by Jesus? I am ok with it, because I know He’s just begun, and with all the progress we’ve made together in the few short years I’ve been saying yes to Him, I can’t imagine where we’re going to be ten years of yeses from now.

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